Danger, Will Robinson!

I hate when I think of 25 different opening paragraphs when I'm running around the house doing shit, and then I sit down to write and I can't remember one of them. I'm not a writer, kids. How do actual writers combat this because I've come up with some funny shit and thought, "I HAVE to remember that", and then I forget. OR, right as I'm going to sleep I solve world hunger or something (more like I realize the best way to organize my towel closet), but then I doze off and I forget. Because, of course, solving world hunger isn't an idea worth giving up precious sleep time to get up and write down, right? I'm sleeping for Christ's sake and this girl right here, yeah, she NEEDS to get minimum of 7 hours or everyone is at risk.

Really, day three was a breeze. I hit a wall at about 7:00 p.m., so I finally called it a day and vegged out. I did, however, make some mashed potatoes to go with dinner. I can't express to you enough how pumped I am that white potatoes are now approved for Whole30. This is life changing news. Instead of milk and butter, I use my homemade chicken stock and clarified butter or ghee. They are so good. I have to portion size them out because I could easily eat those 4 potatoes in one sitting....I can eat kids, remember?

So far I'm not ready to "kill all the things" today. It IS only 8:19 a.m. though, and I haven't had to converse with anyone but my dog, whom I like more than I like most people, so give me a few hours. I did put on a shirt this morning that used to fit me perfectly....not so much. I look like I could be on one of those "people of Walmart" sites. If I wore the shirt alone, without a cover, people would be trying to secretly snap photos of me so they could post me and be like, "oh, poor little fat girl has a skinny mirror." So naturally, I took a picture for you. Oh, I'm still wearing it today. Have no fear. But I covered that shit up with a vest. Here's your first "Fat Kid Tips From Herman": If you have something that doesn't fit well anymore, just cover that shit up with baggie layers. If you're mushroom topping, which I am today because if you'll remember, all of my jeans are too small now, you can just cover up the waste line with a long baggie shirt or....a vest. I love vests. So, for your viewing pleasure, and a free giggle at my expense (don't feel bad...I laughed really hard too):

You're welcome. Black is such a wonderful color. I have a serious spare tire issue happening here. (Here's some information on belly fat and why it's dangerous: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/womens-health/in-depth/belly-fat/art-20045809?pg=1 ) When I lay really flat and then it all spreads out evenly.....that's when I feel most sexy (please say in a Kathleen Turner voice with extreme sarcasm)...I wonder if that's how a beached whale feels? Sexy beached whale all spread out on the beach and sucking in its stomach as much as the poor little bastard can. That's how I feel a lot. 

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. 

It's now 10:25 a.m. and I kind of am ready to kill all the things. Partly because, again, my pants are too tight, therefore, they are squeezing me to death, I can't stop sneezing and sniffing and kind of feel like ass, I just found out that we bought a salvage wheel for my car that we don't need but were told we did, and a new tire is actually what I need. I'm pretty much not impressed with anyone today. 

I'm not feeling very witty today either, because I hate everyone right now. So instead of forcing wit I have compiled a list of things that maybe you should know about me...my obsessions, if you will. I'm also interested in which of these things you agree with me on and what your obsessions are. I can always use a new obsession. Should I say obsession one more time? Obsession. 

1. Serial killers. I am so infatuated with serial killers. When there is any story about anyone who has done something like, kept a girl in the basement for 10 years and she escaped, or whatever...I'm gonna find it in the news and I'm gonna follow it like a buzzard waiting for its potential food to die. I used to be addicted to this site. http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/index.html I would sit and read it for HOURS. I am in awe of people that can do these things to other human beings. It's morbid, it's weird, it's wrong, I love it. 

2. The Beatles. I have an unhealthy love for the Beatles. Like, you can't even express your opinion about them if you don't 100% agree with me because I'm going to defend them like it's my job. Dane once said John Lennon's song Imagine was just okay, and he was just an okay song writer. EEERRRKK...back up. Now, I don't know if he was just fucking with me, but I almost filed for divorce. THAT'S how serious this shit is. (Ok, I wouldn't really divorce him, but it actually did make me REALLY angry.)

3. I have a new obsession with Amy Poehler. I think she is hilarious and awesome. You should read her new book Yes, Please. Actually, listen to the audiobook. She reads it and she is hilarious. I love her. I want to be her. I probably need a restraining order.

4. Scary roadside motels. No joke. I want to stay in the scariest, darkest, creepiest Bates Motel's I can find. I LOVE THEM. There is one that is right outside Montgomery, AL that I'm dying to stay in. It's called Relax Inn and you can't even find it on the all knowing internet. I'm telling you...it's where serial killers hide out, and I will some day stay there and wave at them as they look through the peep they have drilled in the wall. 

5. People watching. I love people watching. It's like watching a damn train wreck. I am amazed...every single day...at some of the people in our world. There are so many of the people that I observe that I think to myself, "self, how does this person make it through the day and not die." Now, I'm no genius myself, but I can't help but wonder, what is making people less intelligent? I have theory's but I won't get into that because it'll just start a war and sound super asshole-ish, and honestly, today you won't win...I will kill you. Unless you give me a doughnut to quiet Herman. Then we can agree to disagree. 

6. This sounds super corny, but...laughing with my best friend. This is one of my best friends in the entire world: 

She is smart, funny, and hot. Which, as you know, are all requirement to be my friend. She makes me laugh like no other person on this planet. No shit. Like, my stomach hurts, uncontrollable snorting, crying, and I just CANNOT stop type of laughter. And typically, it's over something so incredibly stupid but she says it or does it in just the right way. If I don't get to see her or laugh like that with her for an extended period of time, I turn into a megabitch. Dane will even call her and tell her that I need her, stat. For real. Don't get taken by a serial killer, Marisa. If you died I could not go on. That would be so selfish of you. 

So, that's just a few things. Lets recap. Day three. Meh, no issues, really. Day four. Kill everyone and give me a fucking doughnut. 

Also, I really am interested in your obsessions so please please me oh yeah, by sharing! (see what I did there? Some of you will.)

Bras. The Struggle Is Real.

Let me begin day three of my Whole30 by putting this disclaimer: I began writing this on day two. Let's recap day two: I was mushroom topping over my jeans that were formerly known as my "fat jeans", I had a headache because of it, and I was grumpy. That brings me to 4:23pm and I'm already in my ever so loving and ever so shrinking sweat pants, I still have a splitting headache and feel like a tick that is ready to pop from sucking so much delicious blood. Now, I know that the guys won't get this but you ladies will so understand. Bras. They are already so constricting and forceful, but take it from me.....when you start outgrowing one it's a God damned nightmare. After my daily struggle to get my arms behind me, I undid my bra and the pressure in my head that felt like a pimple ready to bust was immediately released. FML I'm going to be in sweats, camis (gotta support the boobs), and sweatshirts for the duration of this Whole30. 

Another update: it's now time for bed and I'm starving. My body hates me as much as I hate it right now. I chalk up the hunger to the fact that I did not drink enough water today. That and my inner fat boy alter ego....let's call him Herman from now on....is saying, "eat something, bitch. You ARE hungry. Let's be fat and happy." No, Herman. No. I WILL put my arms all the way down again. Herman, you're loving me to death....like the over loving dog owner that feeds his dog too much table food and eventually the dog gets diabetes...AND DIES. Eat a salad and hop on a treadmill, Herman.

End of day two..........is this KILL ALL THINGS DAY, ROBIN?!?! Because it feels like kill all things day. I want to kill all things.

Today. Day three.

Yoga is hard. I did some yoga in my living room last night. Obviously, I need it (see above daily bra struggle). I would much rather clean and jerk or dead-lift all day long than do yoga. I am not, what you might call, graceful. Nevertheless, I need it. So, I did it in the living room. (That's what she said) I am not into that relax and breathe shit. I mean, I can't make it through a day without saying "that's what she said" at least 25 times. I have ADD.  I know my lungs work, I know my blood is flowing through my veins and oxygen is coming in my body...blah blah blah. I don't want to focus on it. I have a brain that is going 125 mph and I need to think, plan, and scheme...always. I'm alive aren't I? Body is working. I need to be able to hit pause, jump out of downward dog and get the casserole out of the oven when the timer beeps... and probably switch out the laundry. It's real life, people. I envy those of you that can time out life and just be like, "Fuck you, life. This hour is for me and me alone. I'm gonna focus on my abdominal breathing and start feeling the blood flowing in me. Fuck chores, they'll be there tomorrow." As I have learned from my newly appointed (she has no idea, obviously) life coach, Amy Poehler....good for you, not for me. Yoga is awesome. Yoga is fucking hard. Fuck you, life.

Well, I weighed. I reluctantly got on the scale and I weighed in at 170 pounds. I "weighed in"...I want to think it's like a pro athlete weighing in for a big match or something. It makes me feel better about life and my weight gain. I digress. Guys, my 8 foot tall husband weighs 180. Is this rock bottom? Normally you are not to weigh yourself during a Whole30. This is not my first rodeo, kids. I know what the Whole30 is all about and what to expect from it. When you've done three of them....we'll talk. Until then, don't judge me and don't weigh during a Whole30. Do as I say, not as I do. 

For those of you not familiar with Whole30...here is a timeline of what is typical to experience as your body detoxes itself. I usually experience every single thing on the timeline with extreme fervor. Go big or go home, I always say. No I don't. I don't ever say that. I'm way too lazy to have a philosophy.  http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/

And from time to time I may refer to "Robin". This is Robin: http://whole30.com/about/ . She is one of my favorite people on the planet and she is part of the Whole9, aka Whole30 team. She has, until recently, lived in Springfield, MO. Lucky us! Not only is she like, THE smartest person I know, she's hilarious...like really really hilarious...and super hot to boot. Anyone who knows me knows I love surrounding myself with uber smart and uber hot people because, let's face it, it just makes me look better and people think, "Huh. She must be pretty funny/smart/AWESOME to have friends like that." Robin living here and being my friend is a big deal, people. She is a big deal. For real. I text her my complaints almost every day and I suckered her into being my mentor on this Whole30. Our texts usually go down something like this (her family is currently do a Whole30 as well and this is pre Whole30):

     

     Robin: *say's something witty and hilarious but I didn't get her permission to quote her sooo..*
     Me: I'm so glad I'm not alone. When I sit down my boobs sit on my stomach. I get sweaty and
            have to tuck my shirt in between. It's disgusting.

This is the stuff that she has to put up with because she's my friend. My self-deprecating and disgusting texts. She loves me. I know it. And I love her. Honestly, who doesn't want to hear about my boob sweat? Pfftt

Also, I looked in the mirror a little bit ago while in the bathroom...my new favorite room since I'm back on the kombucha....and I had another Ally McBeal moment when my wattle appeared. This is bad news bears. Some of you may understand that....some of you may think some really disgusting thoughts.I should not have a wattle. I'm not 102 nor am I any kind of poultry. Side note: if you have never watched Alley McBeal, you should

Alright. Day 2 in the books. Grumpy, hungry, fat clothes headache and something about mushrooms.

Day 3, so far...it's early...I feel pretty decent. I have a little cold and the wattle is ever present but hopefully that subsides. The wattle, I mean. A cold I can deal with. It's way too cold today to do a garage workout or to run, so I'm thinking I'm going to do a little indoor WOD. Nothing major...I'm still getting back in the game! WEIGHING IN AT 170 POUNDS....uuuugggghhhhh (please say in your best Michael Buffer voice..sans the ugh.)
4 - 5 rounds, 10 lunges, 10 push-ups, 10 Squats, 10 sit ups, 10 jumping jacks. I'm a fair weather worker outer.

Peace.

P.S. (Yesterday thought)

Something else that hit me today as I ventured back to the Facebook world while feeling super irritable and wanting badly to buy a dozen glazed doughnuts from Krispy Kreme....some people just don't get when I'm joking. There is always that one person that just completely ruins a post because everyone else "gets it" but that one person doesn't and comments something SO STUPID. Everyone ignores that one person and pretty much feels sorry for them. This isn't just on my posts. This shit is all over Facebook. Please don't be that person. My friends are smarter than that, remember? For the record, people...the majority of the things that I say here, and in person, are complete bullshit and are meant to be sarcastic and humorous and self-deprecating.

Ok, now I'm done. 

But, I Don't Want to Buy Bigger Jeans.

My jeans are so tight that I have a headache. No, seriously. Have you not been there before? Well, good for you. I was sitting at my desk uncomfortably mushroom topping in the jeans that used to be HUGE on me and I was starting to get a headache. I unbuttoned my jeans and miraculously my head felt better. What. The. Fuck. How did I get here? I'll tell you how, three servings of mashed potatoes....and stuffing...and cake. So. Much. Cake. That's just at the end of my journey to my alter ego demon that I call "inner little fat boy that can't put his arms all the way down". I don't know why my inner food demon alter ego is a fat BOY, it just feels right and i'm gonna run with it.

Hi, I am April and I have a food addiction...or something like that. For real. I have never been a seriously overweight person but I have ALWAYS had issues with food. I can eat, kids. (I should have left out that comma because that would've been fitting there as well. I can eat kids. I probably could.) I love food. I love to eat. I do not know my limits. No, wait...that's not true. I do know my limits, I just choose to ignore them because dammit, that stuffing is so good and like I've said before...I fucking love doughnuts. I am all about eating delicious things and enjoying life and being happy with myself. Really, I am. But, too much of anything is never a good thing. THIS is where I am now. 

I haven't weighed yet because I don't like to put too much stock in my weight, but right now I am at a point that I need to start thinking about it. I'm not getting any younger and that spare tire thing is dangerous shit, guys. As a matter of fact, I'm bordering middle age. And by bordering I mean like, 83 days from official middle age. How the eff did that happen? Also, the older I get the more my body rebels on me. Just you wait you young little perky boobed, flat tummied, gorgeous specimen...it will happen to you too and I will silently giggle to myself when you complain about it. Just kidding! I'll laugh right at you, very loudly. 

I used to float around 130-135 pounds and I've always been really active. When I was on the divorce diet at age 33 I was 124 pounds on my 5'7" inch frame. I looked sick and my body image issues and the ridiculous "official" charts that tell you what you SHOULD weigh at your height and age were telling me that I still had a bit of tummy chub to get rid of. I'm an idiot. I'm going to guess my weight now to be about 170. Now, that being said, my body changed dramatically when I started Crossfitting. A good weight for me after starting Crossfit is about 150. It is there that I look and feel like a badass. So, I've got about 20 pounds to shed. I was going to go on with this long list of things that I blame for this weight gain, but the truth is, I have to blame me. I take full responsibility. It was really nice to take the pressure off myself for awhile and just....be. It's so nice and fun to just eat decently healthy, which I really do, honestly, but not really workout like I should...and by that I mean sporadically....and by sporadically I mean basically nonexistent. I do not have the metabolism to be lazy. I wish I did, but I was not blessed with those genes. What I was blessed with though is that place in my head that tells me, "listen up you lazy shit, (So my inner voice can be mean. Its MY inner inner voice and I need that sometimes, so shut up) your pants don't fit and you're not buying a size up because you're not accepting that you're destiny is to be fat. Get off your ass, put down the doughnut, and do something about it." And then I do. It just takes me awhile to get to that point, I guess.  

I'm not on any mission to be perfect by any means, but I have lost control of my health and I need to get it back. I want to turn 40 and be able to wear a bikini when we go to the beach. Will I be uber hottie flat tummy girl? Uh, no. I'm not 24 and I don't want that pressure, but it is nice when someone says, "I sure hope I look as good as you when I'm your age." Although I feel like that's kind of an back-handed compliment really, but I'll take that shit! 

So, all of this being said.....I have decided to embark on my 4th Whole30, and this time I'm going to blog about it along the way for your entertainment. I have successfully completed three of them and I have no doubts about this one. I wasn't going to do another one, but I know that I have lost all control and I have zero doubt that it will help me to reset myself and get that back. It is hard. It takes serious commitment. It works. I'll talk about my past experiences in future blogs. I have pictures and all that good stuff and I plan to post some before and after pictures on here......as much as I am embarrassed to do so....but, with that I hope to maybe make you laugh at my misfortune or inspire, or whatever. I don't really care.

In case you're wondering what Whole30 is: http://whole30.com/

Day 1 in the books. This is day 2. I have a tight clothes headache and I'm pretty damn grumpy.  I hope to see my cheekbones again in the near future. Until then....

Chicken Soup for the Soul....no, really.....

You guys.

I found this paleo chicken soup recipe and I just wanted to share it with you. It is so delicious and perfect for the season! The fresh tarragon and thyme just make this dish. I'm going to be making my own chicken stock soon so I'm going to give my next batch a try with the homemade stuff. Just a little shortcut...I used a rotisserie chicken from Hyvee to speed up the process.

Enjoy!

Fast and Easy Chicken Soup

Rating: 5

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Total Time: 25 minutes

Yield: 5 servings

Calories per serving: 239

Fat per serving: 9.6g

Ingredients

• olive oil - 2 tsp
• carrots - 3, diced
• celery - 3 ribs, diced
• onion - 1 medium, diced
• mushrooms - 4 oz
• garlic - 4 cloves
• chicken stock - 6 c
• bay leaves - 3
• thyme sprigs - 3
• cooked chicken meat - 1 lb, shredded
• fresh tarragon - 1/4 c, chopped
• flat-leaf parsley - 1 tbs, chopped
• black pepper - 1 tsp, plus more to taste
• salt - to taste

Instructions

Heat oil over medium high heat in a large pot or dutch oven. Dice carrots, celery and onion in that order and add to the pot as you go. Saute 5 minutes. Slice mushrooms and add to the pot, then mince garlic and add. Cook one more minute.

Add chicken stock, bay leaves and thyme. Season to taste. Bring to a simmer while shredding chicken. Add chicken meat, tarragon, parsley and cook a few minutes more until chicken is warmed through. Remove bay leaves and thyme stems. Season again and serve.

If you like to add noodles, dumplings or matza, do so once the stock starts boiling. Add the chicken and herbs in the last few minutes of cooking.

Nutritional Information

Calories: 239 ; Fat: 9.6 g; Saturated Fat: 2.3 g; Trans Fat: 0.0 g; Cholesterol: 81 mg; Sodium: 849 mg; Total Carbohydrate: 9.2 g; Dietary Fiber: 2.1 g; Sugars: 4.1 g; Protein: 28.9 g; Points: 5 ; Points Plus: 6 ;

I F*****g Love Donuts. Part One.

Here lately I've been reflecting on how I have changed over the last ten years. 40. Freaking 40. Reminds me of the SNL Sally O'Malley..."I'm fitty years 'ol". Here.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trcXlTiy3Xw . I'm going to be 40 in about 8 months. This still just blows my mind. I don't feel it. Not even a little bit. Being married to a 31 year old also keeps me from feeling my age. Shut up...he'll be 32 in October.

I think the last 10 years is where I have seen the most changes in me. Well, the most significant ones at least. I think I was a late bloomer, because as most of you know I was with my ex-husband from age 16-33. Things that most people learn throughout their 20's were lost on me because I was already playing house before I was 20 years old. I didn't know how to date. I didn't know what "red flags" were. I didn't know who I was because I had always been part of a couple. My, my, my how I've grown (mentally, emotionally and unfortunately, physically) since 30.

So basically, these are just some of my observations and changes that have meant something to me and maybe you'll relate. Maybe you won't. I don't care really, I'm just sharing so that if you can relate, maybe you'll nod your head in agreement and smile and realize you're not alone in your thoughts! 

1. You're not as fat as you think you are. For real. I remember when I was 27 and I thought I was old and too chubby to be wearing a two piece. NOW I understand that I'm oldER and too chubby to be wearing a two piece. However, now I just don't care because I am older and once you hit a certain age, you can just stop giving a shit and throw on a one piece...or not, whatever. So, my advise to you....stop giving a shit now. Whatever age you are now, stop giving any of your shits away to that issue. I know, I know, it's hard. I still struggle with it from time to time, but throw on the bikini if you want, have a couple cocktails and then your shits will all go away. Wait, what? That doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean  So, what I've come to terms with: I will never look like Cameron Diaz at 40 because a) I'm not Cameron Diaz. 2) She looks perfect for a living. She has cooks, a trainer and an entire crew that live to make her perfect. and c) I fucking love donuts. So, here's to you Cameron Diaz...may you forever look amazing and keep us entertained....I'm gonna eat 4 donuts for dinner.

2. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Go ahead. I'll wait. Okay, write down at least 10 things that give you joy. It doesn't matter how small it is, write it down. (Insert husband/boyfriend small penis joy joke here). For example, some of mine: 1. Coffee. I effing love me some coffee. I love coffee in a nook, I love coffee with a book, I love coffee here and there, I love coffee when I'm wearing just my underwear. Because I do that on Sundays. We have no pants, no shower Sundays at my house. 2. Driving with the windows down. (When it's not 125 degrees). 3. Snuggling my animals like I'm Elmira. Those are just a few on my list. I got this task from my therapist that I spent $1,220,234 on but was totally worth every penny. Do something off of that list EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Life's too short to not have some joy in it everyday.

3. Take care of yourself. Eat right the majority of the time. Get some exercise and freaking take care of yourself. You'll feel better, you'll have more energy and you'll just enjoy life more. Exercise...the fountain of youth. Ponce De Leon, you're so silly. And for the love of God, stop drinking soda and smoking. I don't care if either of those are on your joy list. Take them off of your joy list and respect your body. Be mad if you want. You already know its bad for you, I'm just not sugar coating your bad decision. We all make bad decisions. God knows I do, but come on guys. I'm not talking about the one soda a day drinker, I'm talking about the 2 liter a day I don't drink anything else to hydrate myself, soda drinkers. And smoking....fuggedaboutit.  Respect your body. Everything in moderation. I can't say it enough. Oh, and wear sunscreen. 

4. Don't judge. Just don't. It's not your business how someone else is living their life. For example: if you want to smoke, fine. I'm not going to judge you, I just don't agree with it. If you don't agree with homosexuality, fine, whatever, but it's not hurting you in any way. I don't care if it says blatantly in the bible that it's wrong. You're not God, so shut your fucking mouth, learn to be "christianly" and love all. Don't even get me started on religion. I'd probably lose a lot of Facebook friends because they would judge me. If you don't like tattoos, that's a-OK. We didn't get them for you to like. But having tattoos does not make you a hood-rat, a bad parent, a thief, a thug or any other stereotype you may have about it. Basically, if someone isn't like you, it's OK. The world is going to be OK, so calm down and keep your opinions and judgmental eyes to yourself. You not liking me isn't doing anything to me, it's just irritating you and giving me something to laugh about.

5. Learn to say no. This one has come very hard to me. Again, therapy. I'm still working on it. I think that a lot of women are pleasers.  We want everyone to like us, we want to make everyone happy and we can do everything all at once. Give us some coffee, a good pair of shoes and 3 hours sleep and we've got it! Stop it. Just stop it. Your life is more important than that. Once I stopped caring if everyone liked me, I became a completely different person. I became the true me. You don't HAVE to do everything that someone asks you to do. If you don't want to come to my Tupperware party (is that even a thing anymore?) then just tell me no. "April, that's the only night I have this week to sit around in my underwear, drink a bottle of wine and watch the X-Files, so I'm not coming." I totally get that. I'd rather someone be straight up with me. I think most people would prefer that. If someone gets their little feelings hurt because you told them no, then they are not a good friend. They'll get over it and if they don't, so what? Do you need people in your life like that? Do you want high maintenance friends? Ain't nobody got time for that. I seriously have the best friends on the planet. I can go 4 months without seeing Christina and we both just get it. Because life, people. Be understanding. Aren't we all just doing the best that we can? My bff Marisa's motto: "I do what I want." Learn it. Live it. Love it.

6. I'll leave you with this because I'm getting kind of winded here. If you don't like something in your life, for the love of all that is holy (like donuts) CHANGE IT. It is up to YOU to make changes in YOUR life. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Need to lose weight? Get off the x-box, go for a walk and stop drinking soda. In an unhappy marriage? Take the steps to fix it or move on with your life for your happiness. Don't like your job? Look for another one, go back to school and start something new, talk to your boss, do what you have to do to change it. If you really want something, you'll find a way, not an excuse. I don't know who said that and I'm too lazy to look it up so consider this my citation. In this life you are responsible for you. Everyone else is looking out for themselves. Shouldn't you be doing the same?

I have a mental list of other things, but I don't want to lose you here because the blog is too long. I'll just come back for more later. So, TTFN, LYLAS, BFF's 4EVA, yada yada yada.

Kronk out.

Like Sands Through the Hourglass....

My, oh my. Things began to get good in the Brown house today.


     The ladies stayed the the night with Grandpa last night, which cost them $1.00. Dane said he was charging them for vacation time for staying at an all inclusive resort. He's so creative. Right now the girls really hate him, but I really love him.

     When they walked in this morning all bright and happy I gave them their list of things to do today to earn some money. One thing was I left every single dish that we dirtied yesterday and this morning on the counter for them. 1) I wanted them to have the opportunity to get some cash by doing a big job and B) because I made it a point to inform them that that is what it would look like all of the time if I never ever touched the dishes. I made sure to point out how much work that Dane and I both do around the house and we don't get paid for it because that's what you do, pick up after yourself and take on personal responsibility (that was last summers theme...they hate that phrase now). This whole thing caused a serious increase on the poutometer.

     Dane has slept about 5 hours in the last 48, so, after getting off at 7:30 this morning he is sleeping. The girls get free TV time today only. They were stoked. Then I told them that they had to clean their room first. This room looks like Justice just vomited in it (if you have little girls, you know what I'm talkin' about....that effing store). It's awful. Cue.....more pouting. Once they were in their room, Dane went in to collect rent (I didn't realize they were being charged $0.50 per day). They owe for Tuesday, Wednesday and today. So, lets make a little tally.....

Veronica took out a loan............$12.00
Owes me for lunch yesterday....$  1.60
Owes for rent ............................$  1.50

Gabby owed me for lunch and TV time yesterday so she paid me this morning.
She owes for rent $1.50
and her savings is dwindling fast.


     Veronica proceeded to giggle as Dane was telling them what they owed. At that point I informed them that this lesson was going to continue each week until their debts are paid in full because....life. Cue...silence.

     Dane asked them if they remembered what he had told them Monday when he was explaining to them why we were doing this. Neither one of them had anything to say. He repeated to them how their entitlement behavior the last week and weekend was unacceptable. He told them how many hours he has worked (and how he had an inmate throw urine on him on one shift) so that the girls and I could go to St. Louis with him over the weekend to have fun, and that all they did was complain and pout the entire weekend. He explained to them how much the house payment costs us each month (to which Gabby got wide eyed and said with panic in her voice, "I don't have that much money!") and that we were doing this on a much smaller scale for them to understand. He explained why we drive crappy cars; because they are paid off and we don't want to have debt. At that point a cat hacked up a hairball so I had to clean it up and get to work.

     I think with each passing day and by repeating the meaning behind what we are doing, they are finally getting it to sink in. I think they really hate me right now and I'm sure I'm the wicked stepmonster, but I hope that later on they will thank us. A friend posted on my Facebook that her parents did something similar to this when they were teenagers. Only on a bigger scale. They had to buy their clothes, hygiene products, everything. I really want to do that when they hit the teenage years. Believe me you, we won't be bailing them out when they grow up and neither will their mom and stepdad. I understand that a lot of parents want to give their children the things that they didn't have when they were growing up....I get it! I really do! BUT, I feel like that causes more harm then good. I'll spare you my soapbox...I digress....again....

Anyway, that's up to speed. We'll see how things go once I get home today!

First World Problems for Little Girls

So, a few folks asked about our little life lesson week we are having at the Brown house. Let me first start with what brought this whole thing on.

The girls are seriously good kids. For real. We get compliments all the time about how good they are. The problem lies at home with spending and this feeling of entitlement that they have. They don't understand that going out to eat, going to the zoo, all of the food they eat just because they're bored, etc. costs a lot of money. So, a couple of weeks ago Gabby told Dane, "I don't have to do my chores. I don't need money, you guys will just buy us everything anyway." He decided that they needed to learn a little life lesson about working for your own things and not living off of others. We are not the government here! We aren't giving out Obama phones! Let me also say that their mom is totally on board with our lesson as well....she is lovin' it.

Needless to say, Monday morning, when Dane told them what was going to happen this week there was a lot of butthurt. Here is what we are doing:

For every chore that they do, they get paid for it. We decide after everything is done, and done 100% to our satisfaction, what they will get paid. The first day, V did about 6 chores and earned $3.50. Gabby did about 5 and got $2.50.

We paid them and then we immediately took back $0.50 for rent for the week. They have each earned additional money by asking for more jobs above the chores they do (which is sweeping, cleaning their rooms, vacuuming, etc.) They also earned an extra $1.00 at the dentist office for being really good. They have to pay us $0.25 to watch an hour of TV....each. It costs to use electricity. If I have to repeat to them to turn off lights after they leave a room, it costs them $0.10. When we take them to the store, they have to chip in for gas if we were going there anyway...they pay us $0.25 each. If we don't need to go and they want or need to go, it costs them $0.50 each.

We drove the to the grocery store to get their groceries for the week. Gabby had some money saved so she dipped in to her savings and is supposedly going to pay herself back (she has a hard time wanting to do any work, so i'm doubting that). V, on the other hand, had no money. She took out a loan at The Bank of Dane for $10.00. She signed a promissory note to pay him back the $10.00 plus $2.00 interest by Sunday.

We let them buy what they wanted at the store. We guided them along by teaching them to compare costs and how much they are getting for their money. I was really surprised at how quickly they understood this concept and really utilized it. It KILLED me to let them buy processed junk for food!! My god. It is so sad that they could get a weeks worth of food for an average of $16.00 each and not one single thing is good for them. The best thing is the peanut butter and jelly....that's terrible. It's no wonder so many Americans are overweight. It's so much more affordable to buy food in a box....chemicals....not food. I digress....

Gabby got all of her food for about $18.00 and V got hers for about $14.00...they will run out, but that's besides the point. The food consisted of frozen dinners, peanut butter (we gave them the new jar I just bought) and jelly, bread, microwave mac and cheese, ravioli, everyone's favorite poor people food.....ramen, cereal bars, yogurt, ice cream, fruit snacks, applesauce and soup. All of those were the cheapest brands you could get. When we got home they wrote their names on their stuff so the other one won't eat it. Man are they gonna be ready for college life.

They loved doing their grocery shopping, but they HATE doing the work. I mean HATE. V has cried several times and Gabby says she quits. Today I stopped to grab lunch, I told them that I'd buy them lunch if they wanted, but they had to work it off...oooorrrr....they could not eat out at all. They both chose to work it off. As of today, Day 3, they both owe me $1.60 for lunch (it was $2.60 but they each gave me back the $1.00 they earned at the dentist), Gabby owes me $0.50 for TV this morning and V still owes Dane $12.00. Neither one of them has any money at the moment and at the mention of doing more work all I get is whining and attitude!

Come Sunday, they are going to have a real rude awakening when they realize that it's not over and that they have to keep doing this until they pay off their debt. Poor, mistreated little kids :)

We really hope that this shows them how much goes into what their Dad, Me, Mom and Stepdad do for them. We don't want them to think that someone is always going to take care of them. They have to be able to take care of themselves. Now, of course we would never let them starve!...we'd let them borrow more money! We want them to understand how money works. They need to know what it's like when you borrow money and don't pay it back. I never learned that. Dane never learned that. I sure wish that I had!

My personal hopes is that they remember this forever and what it teaches them. My family didn't have any money when I was growing up. When I started working I appreciated every single dollar. These two don't really have that problem. We can all afford to go do fun things and for them to have cute clothes etc. In my opinion, not having the cute clothes or cool shoes or not being able to go do all of the cool things the other kids are doing is what really builds character and makes you appreciate things that much more. I really want them to be grounded and well rounded ladies when they grow up. If they were to turn into "Mean Girls" their mom and I would both knock them down from that little platform real quick!!

Anyway, that's what we have going on here this week. I'll keep you updated as the week progresses. They are staying the night with Grandpa tonight so I can have some sanity recovery time. They are so happy because they don't have to eat the food that they bought tonight...or pay for any TV time!

I'm sure some people would disagree with what we are doing, but I frankly just don't give a shit. We know what kind of women we want these girls to grow up to be. That being said, save your criticisms because we really just don't care. I promise you, we don't tell other people how to raise their kids. I wrote this because some of you asked what the details were so you could give it a try....so here it is!

I'm sure I've forgotten something, so if you have any questions, please just ask!