Friday, August 15, 2014

I F*****g Love Donuts. Part One.

Here lately I've been reflecting on how I have changed over the last ten years. 40. Freaking 40. Reminds me of the SNL Sally O'Malley..."I'm fitty years 'ol". Here.... . I'm going to be 40 in about 8 months. This still just blows my mind. I don't feel it. Not even a little bit. Being married to a 31 year old also keeps me from feeling my age. Shut up...he'll be 32 in October.

I think the last 10 years is where I have seen the most changes in me. Well, the most significant ones at least. I think I was a late bloomer, because as most of you know I was with my ex-husband from age 16-33. Things that most people learn throughout their 20's were lost on me because I was already playing house before I was 20 years old. I didn't know how to date. I didn't know what "red flags" were. I didn't know who I was because I had always been part of a couple. My, my, my how I've grown (mentally, emotionally and unfortunately, physically) since 30.

So basically, these are just some of my observations and changes that have meant something to me and maybe you'll relate. Maybe you won't. I don't care really, I'm just sharing so that if you can relate, maybe you'll nod your head in agreement and smile and realize you're not alone in your thoughts! 

1. You're not as fat as you think you are. For real. I remember when I was 27 and I thought I was old and too chubby to be wearing a two piece. NOW I understand that I'm oldER and too chubby to be wearing a two piece. However, now I just don't care because I am older and once you hit a certain age, you can just stop giving a shit and throw on a one piece...or not, whatever. So, my advise to you....stop giving a shit now. Whatever age you are now, stop giving any of your shits away to that issue. I know, I know, it's hard. I still struggle with it from time to time, but throw on the bikini if you want, have a couple cocktails and then your shits will all go away. Wait, what? That doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean  So, what I've come to terms with: I will never look like Cameron Diaz at 40 because a) I'm not Cameron Diaz. 2) She looks perfect for a living. She has cooks, a trainer and an entire crew that live to make her perfect. and c) I fucking love donuts. So, here's to you Cameron Diaz...may you forever look amazing and keep us entertained....I'm gonna eat 4 donuts for dinner.

2. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Go ahead. I'll wait. Okay, write down at least 10 things that give you joy. It doesn't matter how small it is, write it down. (Insert husband/boyfriend small penis joy joke here). For example, some of mine: 1. Coffee. I effing love me some coffee. I love coffee in a nook, I love coffee with a book, I love coffee here and there, I love coffee when I'm wearing just my underwear. Because I do that on Sundays. We have no pants, no shower Sundays at my house. 2. Driving with the windows down. (When it's not 125 degrees). 3. Snuggling my animals like I'm Elmira. Those are just a few on my list. I got this task from my therapist that I spent $1,220,234 on but was totally worth every penny. Do something off of that list EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Life's too short to not have some joy in it everyday.

3. Take care of yourself. Eat right the majority of the time. Get some exercise and freaking take care of yourself. You'll feel better, you'll have more energy and you'll just enjoy life more. Exercise...the fountain of youth. Ponce De Leon, you're so silly. And for the love of God, stop drinking soda and smoking. I don't care if either of those are on your joy list. Take them off of your joy list and respect your body. Be mad if you want. You already know its bad for you, I'm just not sugar coating your bad decision. We all make bad decisions. God knows I do, but come on guys. I'm not talking about the one soda a day drinker, I'm talking about the 2 liter a day I don't drink anything else to hydrate myself, soda drinkers. And smoking....fuggedaboutit.  Respect your body. Everything in moderation. I can't say it enough. Oh, and wear sunscreen. 

4. Don't judge. Just don't. It's not your business how someone else is living their life. For example: if you want to smoke, fine. I'm not going to judge you, I just don't agree with it. If you don't agree with homosexuality, fine, whatever, but it's not hurting you in any way. I don't care if it says blatantly in the bible that it's wrong. You're not God, so shut your fucking mouth, learn to be "christianly" and love all. Don't even get me started on religion. I'd probably lose a lot of Facebook friends because they would judge me. If you don't like tattoos, that's a-OK. We didn't get them for you to like. But having tattoos does not make you a hood-rat, a bad parent, a thief, a thug or any other stereotype you may have about it. Basically, if someone isn't like you, it's OK. The world is going to be OK, so calm down and keep your opinions and judgmental eyes to yourself. You not liking me isn't doing anything to me, it's just irritating you and giving me something to laugh about.

5. Learn to say no. This one has come very hard to me. Again, therapy. I'm still working on it. I think that a lot of women are pleasers.  We want everyone to like us, we want to make everyone happy and we can do everything all at once. Give us some coffee, a good pair of shoes and 3 hours sleep and we've got it! Stop it. Just stop it. Your life is more important than that. Once I stopped caring if everyone liked me, I became a completely different person. I became the true me. You don't HAVE to do everything that someone asks you to do. If you don't want to come to my Tupperware party (is that even a thing anymore?) then just tell me no. "April, that's the only night I have this week to sit around in my underwear, drink a bottle of wine and watch the X-Files, so I'm not coming." I totally get that. I'd rather someone be straight up with me. I think most people would prefer that. If someone gets their little feelings hurt because you told them no, then they are not a good friend. They'll get over it and if they don't, so what? Do you need people in your life like that? Do you want high maintenance friends? Ain't nobody got time for that. I seriously have the best friends on the planet. I can go 4 months without seeing Christina and we both just get it. Because life, people. Be understanding. Aren't we all just doing the best that we can? My bff Marisa's motto: "I do what I want." Learn it. Live it. Love it.

6. I'll leave you with this because I'm getting kind of winded here. If you don't like something in your life, for the love of all that is holy (like donuts) CHANGE IT. It is up to YOU to make changes in YOUR life. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Need to lose weight? Get off the x-box, go for a walk and stop drinking soda. In an unhappy marriage? Take the steps to fix it or move on with your life for your happiness. Don't like your job? Look for another one, go back to school and start something new, talk to your boss, do what you have to do to change it. If you really want something, you'll find a way, not an excuse. I don't know who said that and I'm too lazy to look it up so consider this my citation. In this life you are responsible for you. Everyone else is looking out for themselves. Shouldn't you be doing the same?

I have a mental list of other things, but I don't want to lose you here because the blog is too long. I'll just come back for more later. So, TTFN, LYLAS, BFF's 4EVA, yada yada yada.

Kronk out.