Tuesday, January 6, 2015

But, I Don't Want to Buy Bigger Jeans.

My jeans are so tight that I have a headache. No, seriously. Have you not been there before? Well, good for you. I was sitting at my desk uncomfortably mushroom topping in the jeans that used to be HUGE on me and I was starting to get a headache. I unbuttoned my jeans and miraculously my head felt better. What. The. Fuck. How did I get here? I'll tell you how, three servings of mashed potatoes....and stuffing...and cake. So. Much. Cake. That's just at the end of my journey to my alter ego demon that I call "inner little fat boy that can't put his arms all the way down". I don't know why my inner food demon alter ego is a fat BOY, it just feels right and i'm gonna run with it.

Hi, I am April and I have a food addiction...or something like that. For real. I have never been a seriously overweight person but I have ALWAYS had issues with food. I can eat, kids. (I should have left out that comma because that would've been fitting there as well. I can eat kids. I probably could.) I love food. I love to eat. I do not know my limits. No, wait...that's not true. I do know my limits, I just choose to ignore them because dammit, that stuffing is so good and like I've said before...I fucking love doughnuts. I am all about eating delicious things and enjoying life and being happy with myself. Really, I am. But, too much of anything is never a good thing. THIS is where I am now. 

I haven't weighed yet because I don't like to put too much stock in my weight, but right now I am at a point that I need to start thinking about it. I'm not getting any younger and that spare tire thing is dangerous shit, guys. As a matter of fact, I'm bordering middle age. And by bordering I mean like, 83 days from official middle age. How the eff did that happen? Also, the older I get the more my body rebels on me. Just you wait you young little perky boobed, flat tummied, gorgeous specimen...it will happen to you too and I will silently giggle to myself when you complain about it. Just kidding! I'll laugh right at you, very loudly. 

I used to float around 130-135 pounds and I've always been really active. When I was on the divorce diet at age 33 I was 124 pounds on my 5'7" inch frame. I looked sick and my body image issues and the ridiculous "official" charts that tell you what you SHOULD weigh at your height and age were telling me that I still had a bit of tummy chub to get rid of. I'm an idiot. I'm going to guess my weight now to be about 170. Now, that being said, my body changed dramatically when I started Crossfitting. A good weight for me after starting Crossfit is about 150. It is there that I look and feel like a badass. So, I've got about 20 pounds to shed. I was going to go on with this long list of things that I blame for this weight gain, but the truth is, I have to blame me. I take full responsibility. It was really nice to take the pressure off myself for awhile and just....be. It's so nice and fun to just eat decently healthy, which I really do, honestly, but not really workout like I should...and by that I mean sporadically....and by sporadically I mean basically nonexistent. I do not have the metabolism to be lazy. I wish I did, but I was not blessed with those genes. What I was blessed with though is that place in my head that tells me, "listen up you lazy shit, (So my inner voice can be mean. Its MY inner inner voice and I need that sometimes, so shut up) your pants don't fit and you're not buying a size up because you're not accepting that you're destiny is to be fat. Get off your ass, put down the doughnut, and do something about it." And then I do. It just takes me awhile to get to that point, I guess.  

I'm not on any mission to be perfect by any means, but I have lost control of my health and I need to get it back. I want to turn 40 and be able to wear a bikini when we go to the beach. Will I be uber hottie flat tummy girl? Uh, no. I'm not 24 and I don't want that pressure, but it is nice when someone says, "I sure hope I look as good as you when I'm your age." Although I feel like that's kind of an back-handed compliment really, but I'll take that shit! 

So, all of this being said.....I have decided to embark on my 4th Whole30, and this time I'm going to blog about it along the way for your entertainment. I have successfully completed three of them and I have no doubts about this one. I wasn't going to do another one, but I know that I have lost all control and I have zero doubt that it will help me to reset myself and get that back. It is hard. It takes serious commitment. It works. I'll talk about my past experiences in future blogs. I have pictures and all that good stuff and I plan to post some before and after pictures on here......as much as I am embarrassed to do so....but, with that I hope to maybe make you laugh at my misfortune or inspire, or whatever. I don't really care.

In case you're wondering what Whole30 is: http://whole30.com/

Day 1 in the books. This is day 2. I have a tight clothes headache and I'm pretty damn grumpy.  I hope to see my cheekbones again in the near future. Until then....

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