Thursday, January 8, 2015

Danger, Will Robinson!

I hate when I think of 25 different opening paragraphs when I'm running around the house doing shit, and then I sit down to write and I can't remember one of them. I'm not a writer, kids. How do actual writers combat this because I've come up with some funny shit and thought, "I HAVE to remember that", and then I forget. OR, right as I'm going to sleep I solve world hunger or something (more like I realize the best way to organize my towel closet), but then I doze off and I forget. Because, of course, solving world hunger isn't an idea worth giving up precious sleep time to get up and write down, right? I'm sleeping for Christ's sake and this girl right here, yeah, she NEEDS to get minimum of 7 hours or everyone is at risk.

Really, day three was a breeze. I hit a wall at about 7:00 p.m., so I finally called it a day and vegged out. I did, however, make some mashed potatoes to go with dinner. I can't express to you enough how pumped I am that white potatoes are now approved for Whole30. This is life changing news. Instead of milk and butter, I use my homemade chicken stock and clarified butter or ghee. They are so good. I have to portion size them out because I could easily eat those 4 potatoes in one sitting....I can eat kids, remember?

So far I'm not ready to "kill all the things" today. It IS only 8:19 a.m. though, and I haven't had to converse with anyone but my dog, whom I like more than I like most people, so give me a few hours. I did put on a shirt this morning that used to fit me perfectly....not so much. I look like I could be on one of those "people of Walmart" sites. If I wore the shirt alone, without a cover, people would be trying to secretly snap photos of me so they could post me and be like, "oh, poor little fat girl has a skinny mirror." So naturally, I took a picture for you. Oh, I'm still wearing it today. Have no fear. But I covered that shit up with a vest. Here's your first "Fat Kid Tips From Herman": If you have something that doesn't fit well anymore, just cover that shit up with baggie layers. If you're mushroom topping, which I am today because if you'll remember, all of my jeans are too small now, you can just cover up the waste line with a long baggie shirt or....a vest. I love vests. So, for your viewing pleasure, and a free giggle at my expense (don't feel bad...I laughed really hard too):

You're welcome. Black is such a wonderful color. I have a serious spare tire issue happening here. (Here's some information on belly fat and why it's dangerous: ) When I lay really flat and then it all spreads out evenly.....that's when I feel most sexy (please say in a Kathleen Turner voice with extreme sarcasm)...I wonder if that's how a beached whale feels? Sexy beached whale all spread out on the beach and sucking in its stomach as much as the poor little bastard can. That's how I feel a lot. 


It's now 10:25 a.m. and I kind of am ready to kill all the things. Partly because, again, my pants are too tight, therefore, they are squeezing me to death, I can't stop sneezing and sniffing and kind of feel like ass, I just found out that we bought a salvage wheel for my car that we don't need but were told we did, and a new tire is actually what I need. I'm pretty much not impressed with anyone today. 

I'm not feeling very witty today either, because I hate everyone right now. So instead of forcing wit I have compiled a list of things that maybe you should know about obsessions, if you will. I'm also interested in which of these things you agree with me on and what your obsessions are. I can always use a new obsession. Should I say obsession one more time? Obsession. 

1. Serial killers. I am so infatuated with serial killers. When there is any story about anyone who has done something like, kept a girl in the basement for 10 years and she escaped, or whatever...I'm gonna find it in the news and I'm gonna follow it like a buzzard waiting for its potential food to die. I used to be addicted to this site. I would sit and read it for HOURS. I am in awe of people that can do these things to other human beings. It's morbid, it's weird, it's wrong, I love it. 

2. The Beatles. I have an unhealthy love for the Beatles. Like, you can't even express your opinion about them if you don't 100% agree with me because I'm going to defend them like it's my job. Dane once said John Lennon's song Imagine was just okay, and he was just an okay song writer. EEERRRKK...back up. Now, I don't know if he was just fucking with me, but I almost filed for divorce. THAT'S how serious this shit is. (Ok, I wouldn't really divorce him, but it actually did make me REALLY angry.)

3. I have a new obsession with Amy Poehler. I think she is hilarious and awesome. You should read her new book Yes, Please. Actually, listen to the audiobook. She reads it and she is hilarious. I love her. I want to be her. I probably need a restraining order.

4. Scary roadside motels. No joke. I want to stay in the scariest, darkest, creepiest Bates Motel's I can find. I LOVE THEM. There is one that is right outside Montgomery, AL that I'm dying to stay in. It's called Relax Inn and you can't even find it on the all knowing internet. I'm telling's where serial killers hide out, and I will some day stay there and wave at them as they look through the peep they have drilled in the wall. 

5. People watching. I love people watching. It's like watching a damn train wreck. I am amazed...every single some of the people in our world. There are so many of the people that I observe that I think to myself, "self, how does this person make it through the day and not die." Now, I'm no genius myself, but I can't help but wonder, what is making people less intelligent? I have theory's but I won't get into that because it'll just start a war and sound super asshole-ish, and honestly, today you won't win...I will kill you. Unless you give me a doughnut to quiet Herman. Then we can agree to disagree. 

6. This sounds super corny, but...laughing with my best friend. This is one of my best friends in the entire world: 

She is smart, funny, and hot. Which, as you know, are all requirement to be my friend. She makes me laugh like no other person on this planet. No shit. Like, my stomach hurts, uncontrollable snorting, crying, and I just CANNOT stop type of laughter. And typically, it's over something so incredibly stupid but she says it or does it in just the right way. If I don't get to see her or laugh like that with her for an extended period of time, I turn into a megabitch. Dane will even call her and tell her that I need her, stat. For real. Don't get taken by a serial killer, Marisa. If you died I could not go on. That would be so selfish of you. 

So, that's just a few things. Lets recap. Day three. Meh, no issues, really. Day four. Kill everyone and give me a fucking doughnut. 

Also, I really am interested in your obsessions so please please me oh yeah, by sharing! (see what I did there? Some of you will.)

No comments:

Post a Comment