Don't you (Forget About Me)!

Guys, apologies! I was so busy this weekend. Since the stepmonkeys are gone I had to tend to the house. (I imagine myself with a toothpick hanging from my mouth, wearing overalls, and leaning on my rake. Like I'm saying "tend the farm" *takes toothpick out and spits. Puts toothpick back in.*) We kind of let it go and opted for lots of pajama movie days and living like pigs instead of keeping the house clean. I blame Christmas. And cake. And tryptophan. Just kidding, WebMD says that tryptophan making you sleepy is a bunch of bull hockey. So, it was obviously the cake.

I weighed Friday. After 5 days I was down 3 pounds. I'll take that. I weighed again this morning to start the week off. Same. I'll take that too. No gain is good news and I'll take it. Friday I even resisted free sushi, cake, and the opportunity to drink wine with friends. WINE. I miss you, you delicious calorie ridden bringer of fun. I had soda water. But, I had had lemons and limes so it was basically the same as having wine? (say like, "I'm Ron Burgundy?"... "Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the teleprompter?"...I digress...)

I don't expect anything major as far as weight loss this week. The second week for me is usually a gaining week. That's always fun to see the number go up on the scale. I'm going to take my first set of progress pictures tonight. The Whole30 that did that I posted pictures of the other day, I really didn't lose all that much weight, my body composition just changed up. Like I said, I don't put much stock into weight. Although I do need to lose some, I only want to get back to 150 and that will come with time. I don't believe in miracle pills etc. A good diet and exercise is the only way to do it.

So, I felt really good, and full of energy all weekend. Which is fantastic, because lately I've had NO energy at all. It never ceases to amaze me how food affects my body. I haven't been sleeping that great though. Part of it is probably because we just switched mattresses and I'm still getting used to it. I really don't want to depend on that beautiful little bringer of sleep, Tylenol P.M. I'm holding out. It will come. (That's what she said.)

Enough about that. Time for randomness.

I always find it amusing to hear a song and I immediately correlate it with a movie. Like, that song will now forever be tied to that movie. Here are a few of the ones I love. I'd like to know the ones that you like so we can giggle and quote movies all day on my Facebook feed, so please share!

Styx never intended Renegade to forever remind people of Billy Madison spinning a keg over his head.

Dust in the Wind? Fuggedaboutit. Who doesn't think of Will Ferrell singing at Blue's funeral?! "YOU'RE MY BOY, BLUE! You're my boy." Another one from Old School, Master of Puppets. "You tell anyone about this I'll fucking kill you! I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We'll have him back by tonight."

Bohemian Rhapsody. I better not even have to say which movie on that one. If I have to tell you, we cannot be friends.

Take My Breath Away. Uh...hello??? Take MY breath away, Top Gun Tom Cruise!

I really hope you can see these videos I'm including.

Maniac is kind of a twofer...I immediately want to put on my sexy cut sweatshirt and leg warmers (yes, I do have both) and practice my dance moves that are going to get me into ballet school. As a matter of fact, every time that song comes on, I do the Flashdance dance. No joke. I can't help myself. I can do the head flippy thing, but I get really dizzy so it makes for some good unintended physical comedy. If only my ass looked like Jennifer Beals. It also makes me think of Chris Farley in Tommy Boy.

Simple Minds, Don't You (Forget About Me). Come. On. The best.
"Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, But we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is 

a brain,
and an athlete,
and a basketcase,
a princess,
and a criminal.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club."

*Thrusts fist in the air with enthusiasm!*

________________________________________________________________________________

Rocky....Road?

I was such a sloth yesterday. And boy was a I serious grump. Dane was heytelling me, and anyone who knows him knows he doesn't talk slow, but for some reason, yesterday he was. In my head he was anyway. I wanted to scream back into my phone, "FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING SO SLOWLY?!" I don't know why it even mattered except my nerves were short and I just didn't have time for slow heytells, of course. I mean, I was sitting at work typing up my blog. Duh. Then, he said, "we should do yoga when you get home." Bless his little yoga loving heart. I know he's trying to be supportive, and what I said was, "okay, but you know we have to do a beginner video because I fucking hate yoga." My real reaction was a body message mixture of a sloth, and a 6 year old not getting his way. The sound I made was more like a whining wookie yell. But, I went home and we did yoga, and I did not die. Then I worked out with my friend Jen. I did my first WOD in...I don't even know how long. It really felt good. I needed that because I feel like today I have a fresh outlook and more motivation. Thanks, Jen! Thanks for the accountability!

A couple of other things that happened, my forehead is all kinds of broke out. It's like I'm a hormone charged, teenager. My body is like, "GET IT ALL OUT"! Then I woke up at about 5:00 a.m. today with a brutal headache. Well, goes with the territory. The good thing is that regardless of what I've said, I really haven't had any urge to stray off the Whole30. I do feel better already. I have also noticed that my mood is directly correlated to the pants I'm wearing. I'm wearing my fleece lined leggings today instead of jeans. It's like the difference between regular jeans and maternity jeans. I'm getting blood flow to my brain, so I'm happier. That's good for everyone in my life. Also, do you ever have one of those days where the right song just happens to always be playing? Like, you have a real life soundtrack going on? That totally happened to me all day today. That's always a good time. 

Side note: I totally bawl every time I watch The Biggest Loser. No shit. Like flowing non-stop tears. I'm always so inspired by these people, and I'm just SO happy for them! It's a show that just genuinely makes you feel good. 

Ok, here go the pictures I've been dreading putting up. But, lets face the facts, friends. Aren't we all full of flaws? None of us are shear perfection and if you think you are then you're just a dick. We are all just trying to get through life the best that we can, and if we can't laugh at ourselves along the way then we are ALL just dicks. 

Back in 2013 Dane went on his "vacation deployment", as we like to refer to it. He basically went on a humanitarian mission and was sailing the South Pacific all summer. He got to see some amazing places that the majority of us will never have the opportunity to see. He totally got to see some islands that were occupied during WWII...now...if that's not cool as shit, then I don't what is. Anyway....

Right when he left I had just left my job to go back to school full time. I had all summer until I started classes so, needless to say, I had a lot of time on my hands. The bottom left hand picture is what I looked like when he left. I decided to straighten my shit up and get after it. So, one Whole30 and 2 months of dedication to working out later, the bottom right hand corner is where I ended up. I stayed there for awhile, but after he came home it was a little more difficult. He makes me drink more! I swear, he holds me down and pours the wine in my mouth. I don't want it. Fine, I do. Shut up. I have been on a slow and steady decline since. Top picture is now and those are the jeans that used to swallow me. By swallow, I mean I rarely wore them because they were so big I was pulling them up constantly. Now, they are known as...mushroom top jeans. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm a total yoyo'er. Always have been. 

Ok, that's it for today. I'm tired. I'm not feeling it anymore. So, here's a cute little owl. Enjoy.

Danger, Will Robinson!

I hate when I think of 25 different opening paragraphs when I'm running around the house doing shit, and then I sit down to write and I can't remember one of them. I'm not a writer, kids. How do actual writers combat this because I've come up with some funny shit and thought, "I HAVE to remember that", and then I forget. OR, right as I'm going to sleep I solve world hunger or something (more like I realize the best way to organize my towel closet), but then I doze off and I forget. Because, of course, solving world hunger isn't an idea worth giving up precious sleep time to get up and write down, right? I'm sleeping for Christ's sake and this girl right here, yeah, she NEEDS to get minimum of 7 hours or everyone is at risk.

Really, day three was a breeze. I hit a wall at about 7:00 p.m., so I finally called it a day and vegged out. I did, however, make some mashed potatoes to go with dinner. I can't express to you enough how pumped I am that white potatoes are now approved for Whole30. This is life changing news. Instead of milk and butter, I use my homemade chicken stock and clarified butter or ghee. They are so good. I have to portion size them out because I could easily eat those 4 potatoes in one sitting....I can eat kids, remember?

So far I'm not ready to "kill all the things" today. It IS only 8:19 a.m. though, and I haven't had to converse with anyone but my dog, whom I like more than I like most people, so give me a few hours. I did put on a shirt this morning that used to fit me perfectly....not so much. I look like I could be on one of those "people of Walmart" sites. If I wore the shirt alone, without a cover, people would be trying to secretly snap photos of me so they could post me and be like, "oh, poor little fat girl has a skinny mirror." So naturally, I took a picture for you. Oh, I'm still wearing it today. Have no fear. But I covered that shit up with a vest. Here's your first "Fat Kid Tips From Herman": If you have something that doesn't fit well anymore, just cover that shit up with baggie layers. If you're mushroom topping, which I am today because if you'll remember, all of my jeans are too small now, you can just cover up the waste line with a long baggie shirt or....a vest. I love vests. So, for your viewing pleasure, and a free giggle at my expense (don't feel bad...I laughed really hard too):

You're welcome. Black is such a wonderful color. I have a serious spare tire issue happening here. (Here's some information on belly fat and why it's dangerous: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/womens-health/in-depth/belly-fat/art-20045809?pg=1 ) When I lay really flat and then it all spreads out evenly.....that's when I feel most sexy (please say in a Kathleen Turner voice with extreme sarcasm)...I wonder if that's how a beached whale feels? Sexy beached whale all spread out on the beach and sucking in its stomach as much as the poor little bastard can. That's how I feel a lot. 

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. 

It's now 10:25 a.m. and I kind of am ready to kill all the things. Partly because, again, my pants are too tight, therefore, they are squeezing me to death, I can't stop sneezing and sniffing and kind of feel like ass, I just found out that we bought a salvage wheel for my car that we don't need but were told we did, and a new tire is actually what I need. I'm pretty much not impressed with anyone today. 

I'm not feeling very witty today either, because I hate everyone right now. So instead of forcing wit I have compiled a list of things that maybe you should know about me...my obsessions, if you will. I'm also interested in which of these things you agree with me on and what your obsessions are. I can always use a new obsession. Should I say obsession one more time? Obsession. 

1. Serial killers. I am so infatuated with serial killers. When there is any story about anyone who has done something like, kept a girl in the basement for 10 years and she escaped, or whatever...I'm gonna find it in the news and I'm gonna follow it like a buzzard waiting for its potential food to die. I used to be addicted to this site. http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/index.html I would sit and read it for HOURS. I am in awe of people that can do these things to other human beings. It's morbid, it's weird, it's wrong, I love it. 

2. The Beatles. I have an unhealthy love for the Beatles. Like, you can't even express your opinion about them if you don't 100% agree with me because I'm going to defend them like it's my job. Dane once said John Lennon's song Imagine was just okay, and he was just an okay song writer. EEERRRKK...back up. Now, I don't know if he was just fucking with me, but I almost filed for divorce. THAT'S how serious this shit is. (Ok, I wouldn't really divorce him, but it actually did make me REALLY angry.)

3. I have a new obsession with Amy Poehler. I think she is hilarious and awesome. You should read her new book Yes, Please. Actually, listen to the audiobook. She reads it and she is hilarious. I love her. I want to be her. I probably need a restraining order.

4. Scary roadside motels. No joke. I want to stay in the scariest, darkest, creepiest Bates Motel's I can find. I LOVE THEM. There is one that is right outside Montgomery, AL that I'm dying to stay in. It's called Relax Inn and you can't even find it on the all knowing internet. I'm telling you...it's where serial killers hide out, and I will some day stay there and wave at them as they look through the peep they have drilled in the wall. 

5. People watching. I love people watching. It's like watching a damn train wreck. I am amazed...every single day...at some of the people in our world. There are so many of the people that I observe that I think to myself, "self, how does this person make it through the day and not die." Now, I'm no genius myself, but I can't help but wonder, what is making people less intelligent? I have theory's but I won't get into that because it'll just start a war and sound super asshole-ish, and honestly, today you won't win...I will kill you. Unless you give me a doughnut to quiet Herman. Then we can agree to disagree. 

6. This sounds super corny, but...laughing with my best friend. This is one of my best friends in the entire world: 

She is smart, funny, and hot. Which, as you know, are all requirement to be my friend. She makes me laugh like no other person on this planet. No shit. Like, my stomach hurts, uncontrollable snorting, crying, and I just CANNOT stop type of laughter. And typically, it's over something so incredibly stupid but she says it or does it in just the right way. If I don't get to see her or laugh like that with her for an extended period of time, I turn into a megabitch. Dane will even call her and tell her that I need her, stat. For real. Don't get taken by a serial killer, Marisa. If you died I could not go on. That would be so selfish of you. 

So, that's just a few things. Lets recap. Day three. Meh, no issues, really. Day four. Kill everyone and give me a fucking doughnut. 

Also, I really am interested in your obsessions so please please me oh yeah, by sharing! (see what I did there? Some of you will.)

Bras. The Struggle Is Real.

Let me begin day three of my Whole30 by putting this disclaimer: I began writing this on day two. Let's recap day two: I was mushroom topping over my jeans that were formerly known as my "fat jeans", I had a headache because of it, and I was grumpy. That brings me to 4:23pm and I'm already in my ever so loving and ever so shrinking sweat pants, I still have a splitting headache and feel like a tick that is ready to pop from sucking so much delicious blood. Now, I know that the guys won't get this but you ladies will so understand. Bras. They are already so constricting and forceful, but take it from me.....when you start outgrowing one it's a God damned nightmare. After my daily struggle to get my arms behind me, I undid my bra and the pressure in my head that felt like a pimple ready to bust was immediately released. FML I'm going to be in sweats, camis (gotta support the boobs), and sweatshirts for the duration of this Whole30. 

Another update: it's now time for bed and I'm starving. My body hates me as much as I hate it right now. I chalk up the hunger to the fact that I did not drink enough water today. That and my inner fat boy alter ego....let's call him Herman from now on....is saying, "eat something, bitch. You ARE hungry. Let's be fat and happy." No, Herman. No. I WILL put my arms all the way down again. Herman, you're loving me to death....like the over loving dog owner that feeds his dog too much table food and eventually the dog gets diabetes...AND DIES. Eat a salad and hop on a treadmill, Herman.

End of day two..........is this KILL ALL THINGS DAY, ROBIN?!?! Because it feels like kill all things day. I want to kill all things.

Today. Day three.

Yoga is hard. I did some yoga in my living room last night. Obviously, I need it (see above daily bra struggle). I would much rather clean and jerk or dead-lift all day long than do yoga. I am not, what you might call, graceful. Nevertheless, I need it. So, I did it in the living room. (That's what she said) I am not into that relax and breathe shit. I mean, I can't make it through a day without saying "that's what she said" at least 25 times. I have ADD.  I know my lungs work, I know my blood is flowing through my veins and oxygen is coming in my body...blah blah blah. I don't want to focus on it. I have a brain that is going 125 mph and I need to think, plan, and scheme...always. I'm alive aren't I? Body is working. I need to be able to hit pause, jump out of downward dog and get the casserole out of the oven when the timer beeps... and probably switch out the laundry. It's real life, people. I envy those of you that can time out life and just be like, "Fuck you, life. This hour is for me and me alone. I'm gonna focus on my abdominal breathing and start feeling the blood flowing in me. Fuck chores, they'll be there tomorrow." As I have learned from my newly appointed (she has no idea, obviously) life coach, Amy Poehler....good for you, not for me. Yoga is awesome. Yoga is fucking hard. Fuck you, life.

Well, I weighed. I reluctantly got on the scale and I weighed in at 170 pounds. I "weighed in"...I want to think it's like a pro athlete weighing in for a big match or something. It makes me feel better about life and my weight gain. I digress. Guys, my 8 foot tall husband weighs 180. Is this rock bottom? Normally you are not to weigh yourself during a Whole30. This is not my first rodeo, kids. I know what the Whole30 is all about and what to expect from it. When you've done three of them....we'll talk. Until then, don't judge me and don't weigh during a Whole30. Do as I say, not as I do. 

For those of you not familiar with Whole30...here is a timeline of what is typical to experience as your body detoxes itself. I usually experience every single thing on the timeline with extreme fervor. Go big or go home, I always say. No I don't. I don't ever say that. I'm way too lazy to have a philosophy.  http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/

And from time to time I may refer to "Robin". This is Robin: http://whole30.com/about/ . She is one of my favorite people on the planet and she is part of the Whole9, aka Whole30 team. She has, until recently, lived in Springfield, MO. Lucky us! Not only is she like, THE smartest person I know, she's hilarious...like really really hilarious...and super hot to boot. Anyone who knows me knows I love surrounding myself with uber smart and uber hot people because, let's face it, it just makes me look better and people think, "Huh. She must be pretty funny/smart/AWESOME to have friends like that." Robin living here and being my friend is a big deal, people. She is a big deal. For real. I text her my complaints almost every day and I suckered her into being my mentor on this Whole30. Our texts usually go down something like this (her family is currently do a Whole30 as well and this is pre Whole30):

     

     Robin: *say's something witty and hilarious but I didn't get her permission to quote her sooo..*
     Me: I'm so glad I'm not alone. When I sit down my boobs sit on my stomach. I get sweaty and
            have to tuck my shirt in between. It's disgusting.

This is the stuff that she has to put up with because she's my friend. My self-deprecating and disgusting texts. She loves me. I know it. And I love her. Honestly, who doesn't want to hear about my boob sweat? Pfftt

Also, I looked in the mirror a little bit ago while in the bathroom...my new favorite room since I'm back on the kombucha....and I had another Ally McBeal moment when my wattle appeared. This is bad news bears. Some of you may understand that....some of you may think some really disgusting thoughts.I should not have a wattle. I'm not 102 nor am I any kind of poultry. Side note: if you have never watched Alley McBeal, you should

Alright. Day 2 in the books. Grumpy, hungry, fat clothes headache and something about mushrooms.

Day 3, so far...it's early...I feel pretty decent. I have a little cold and the wattle is ever present but hopefully that subsides. The wattle, I mean. A cold I can deal with. It's way too cold today to do a garage workout or to run, so I'm thinking I'm going to do a little indoor WOD. Nothing major...I'm still getting back in the game! WEIGHING IN AT 170 POUNDS....uuuugggghhhhh (please say in your best Michael Buffer voice..sans the ugh.)
4 - 5 rounds, 10 lunges, 10 push-ups, 10 Squats, 10 sit ups, 10 jumping jacks. I'm a fair weather worker outer.

Peace.

P.S. (Yesterday thought)

Something else that hit me today as I ventured back to the Facebook world while feeling super irritable and wanting badly to buy a dozen glazed doughnuts from Krispy Kreme....some people just don't get when I'm joking. There is always that one person that just completely ruins a post because everyone else "gets it" but that one person doesn't and comments something SO STUPID. Everyone ignores that one person and pretty much feels sorry for them. This isn't just on my posts. This shit is all over Facebook. Please don't be that person. My friends are smarter than that, remember? For the record, people...the majority of the things that I say here, and in person, are complete bullshit and are meant to be sarcastic and humorous and self-deprecating.

Ok, now I'm done. 

But, I Don't Want to Buy Bigger Jeans.

My jeans are so tight that I have a headache. No, seriously. Have you not been there before? Well, good for you. I was sitting at my desk uncomfortably mushroom topping in the jeans that used to be HUGE on me and I was starting to get a headache. I unbuttoned my jeans and miraculously my head felt better. What. The. Fuck. How did I get here? I'll tell you how, three servings of mashed potatoes....and stuffing...and cake. So. Much. Cake. That's just at the end of my journey to my alter ego demon that I call "inner little fat boy that can't put his arms all the way down". I don't know why my inner food demon alter ego is a fat BOY, it just feels right and i'm gonna run with it.

Hi, I am April and I have a food addiction...or something like that. For real. I have never been a seriously overweight person but I have ALWAYS had issues with food. I can eat, kids. (I should have left out that comma because that would've been fitting there as well. I can eat kids. I probably could.) I love food. I love to eat. I do not know my limits. No, wait...that's not true. I do know my limits, I just choose to ignore them because dammit, that stuffing is so good and like I've said before...I fucking love doughnuts. I am all about eating delicious things and enjoying life and being happy with myself. Really, I am. But, too much of anything is never a good thing. THIS is where I am now. 

I haven't weighed yet because I don't like to put too much stock in my weight, but right now I am at a point that I need to start thinking about it. I'm not getting any younger and that spare tire thing is dangerous shit, guys. As a matter of fact, I'm bordering middle age. And by bordering I mean like, 83 days from official middle age. How the eff did that happen? Also, the older I get the more my body rebels on me. Just you wait you young little perky boobed, flat tummied, gorgeous specimen...it will happen to you too and I will silently giggle to myself when you complain about it. Just kidding! I'll laugh right at you, very loudly. 

I used to float around 130-135 pounds and I've always been really active. When I was on the divorce diet at age 33 I was 124 pounds on my 5'7" inch frame. I looked sick and my body image issues and the ridiculous "official" charts that tell you what you SHOULD weigh at your height and age were telling me that I still had a bit of tummy chub to get rid of. I'm an idiot. I'm going to guess my weight now to be about 170. Now, that being said, my body changed dramatically when I started Crossfitting. A good weight for me after starting Crossfit is about 150. It is there that I look and feel like a badass. So, I've got about 20 pounds to shed. I was going to go on with this long list of things that I blame for this weight gain, but the truth is, I have to blame me. I take full responsibility. It was really nice to take the pressure off myself for awhile and just....be. It's so nice and fun to just eat decently healthy, which I really do, honestly, but not really workout like I should...and by that I mean sporadically....and by sporadically I mean basically nonexistent. I do not have the metabolism to be lazy. I wish I did, but I was not blessed with those genes. What I was blessed with though is that place in my head that tells me, "listen up you lazy shit, (So my inner voice can be mean. Its MY inner inner voice and I need that sometimes, so shut up) your pants don't fit and you're not buying a size up because you're not accepting that you're destiny is to be fat. Get off your ass, put down the doughnut, and do something about it." And then I do. It just takes me awhile to get to that point, I guess.  

I'm not on any mission to be perfect by any means, but I have lost control of my health and I need to get it back. I want to turn 40 and be able to wear a bikini when we go to the beach. Will I be uber hottie flat tummy girl? Uh, no. I'm not 24 and I don't want that pressure, but it is nice when someone says, "I sure hope I look as good as you when I'm your age." Although I feel like that's kind of an back-handed compliment really, but I'll take that shit! 

So, all of this being said.....I have decided to embark on my 4th Whole30, and this time I'm going to blog about it along the way for your entertainment. I have successfully completed three of them and I have no doubts about this one. I wasn't going to do another one, but I know that I have lost all control and I have zero doubt that it will help me to reset myself and get that back. It is hard. It takes serious commitment. It works. I'll talk about my past experiences in future blogs. I have pictures and all that good stuff and I plan to post some before and after pictures on here......as much as I am embarrassed to do so....but, with that I hope to maybe make you laugh at my misfortune or inspire, or whatever. I don't really care.

In case you're wondering what Whole30 is: http://whole30.com/

Day 1 in the books. This is day 2. I have a tight clothes headache and I'm pretty damn grumpy.  I hope to see my cheekbones again in the near future. Until then....

Chicken Soup for the Soul....no, really.....

You guys.

I found this paleo chicken soup recipe and I just wanted to share it with you. It is so delicious and perfect for the season! The fresh tarragon and thyme just make this dish. I'm going to be making my own chicken stock soon so I'm going to give my next batch a try with the homemade stuff. Just a little shortcut...I used a rotisserie chicken from Hyvee to speed up the process.

Enjoy!

Fast and Easy Chicken Soup

Rating: 5

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Total Time: 25 minutes

Yield: 5 servings

Calories per serving: 239

Fat per serving: 9.6g

Ingredients

• olive oil - 2 tsp
• carrots - 3, diced
• celery - 3 ribs, diced
• onion - 1 medium, diced
• mushrooms - 4 oz
• garlic - 4 cloves
• chicken stock - 6 c
• bay leaves - 3
• thyme sprigs - 3
• cooked chicken meat - 1 lb, shredded
• fresh tarragon - 1/4 c, chopped
• flat-leaf parsley - 1 tbs, chopped
• black pepper - 1 tsp, plus more to taste
• salt - to taste

Instructions

Heat oil over medium high heat in a large pot or dutch oven. Dice carrots, celery and onion in that order and add to the pot as you go. Saute 5 minutes. Slice mushrooms and add to the pot, then mince garlic and add. Cook one more minute.

Add chicken stock, bay leaves and thyme. Season to taste. Bring to a simmer while shredding chicken. Add chicken meat, tarragon, parsley and cook a few minutes more until chicken is warmed through. Remove bay leaves and thyme stems. Season again and serve.

If you like to add noodles, dumplings or matza, do so once the stock starts boiling. Add the chicken and herbs in the last few minutes of cooking.

Nutritional Information

Calories: 239 ; Fat: 9.6 g; Saturated Fat: 2.3 g; Trans Fat: 0.0 g; Cholesterol: 81 mg; Sodium: 849 mg; Total Carbohydrate: 9.2 g; Dietary Fiber: 2.1 g; Sugars: 4.1 g; Protein: 28.9 g; Points: 5 ; Points Plus: 6 ;

I F*****g Love Donuts. Part One.

Here lately I've been reflecting on how I have changed over the last ten years. 40. Freaking 40. Reminds me of the SNL Sally O'Malley..."I'm fitty years 'ol". Here.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trcXlTiy3Xw . I'm going to be 40 in about 8 months. This still just blows my mind. I don't feel it. Not even a little bit. Being married to a 31 year old also keeps me from feeling my age. Shut up...he'll be 32 in October.

I think the last 10 years is where I have seen the most changes in me. Well, the most significant ones at least. I think I was a late bloomer, because as most of you know I was with my ex-husband from age 16-33. Things that most people learn throughout their 20's were lost on me because I was already playing house before I was 20 years old. I didn't know how to date. I didn't know what "red flags" were. I didn't know who I was because I had always been part of a couple. My, my, my how I've grown (mentally, emotionally and unfortunately, physically) since 30.

So basically, these are just some of my observations and changes that have meant something to me and maybe you'll relate. Maybe you won't. I don't care really, I'm just sharing so that if you can relate, maybe you'll nod your head in agreement and smile and realize you're not alone in your thoughts! 

1. You're not as fat as you think you are. For real. I remember when I was 27 and I thought I was old and too chubby to be wearing a two piece. NOW I understand that I'm oldER and too chubby to be wearing a two piece. However, now I just don't care because I am older and once you hit a certain age, you can just stop giving a shit and throw on a one piece...or not, whatever. So, my advise to you....stop giving a shit now. Whatever age you are now, stop giving any of your shits away to that issue. I know, I know, it's hard. I still struggle with it from time to time, but throw on the bikini if you want, have a couple cocktails and then your shits will all go away. Wait, what? That doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean  So, what I've come to terms with: I will never look like Cameron Diaz at 40 because a) I'm not Cameron Diaz. 2) She looks perfect for a living. She has cooks, a trainer and an entire crew that live to make her perfect. and c) I fucking love donuts. So, here's to you Cameron Diaz...may you forever look amazing and keep us entertained....I'm gonna eat 4 donuts for dinner.

2. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Go ahead. I'll wait. Okay, write down at least 10 things that give you joy. It doesn't matter how small it is, write it down. (Insert husband/boyfriend small penis joy joke here). For example, some of mine: 1. Coffee. I effing love me some coffee. I love coffee in a nook, I love coffee with a book, I love coffee here and there, I love coffee when I'm wearing just my underwear. Because I do that on Sundays. We have no pants, no shower Sundays at my house. 2. Driving with the windows down. (When it's not 125 degrees). 3. Snuggling my animals like I'm Elmira. Those are just a few on my list. I got this task from my therapist that I spent $1,220,234 on but was totally worth every penny. Do something off of that list EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Life's too short to not have some joy in it everyday.

3. Take care of yourself. Eat right the majority of the time. Get some exercise and freaking take care of yourself. You'll feel better, you'll have more energy and you'll just enjoy life more. Exercise...the fountain of youth. Ponce De Leon, you're so silly. And for the love of God, stop drinking soda and smoking. I don't care if either of those are on your joy list. Take them off of your joy list and respect your body. Be mad if you want. You already know its bad for you, I'm just not sugar coating your bad decision. We all make bad decisions. God knows I do, but come on guys. I'm not talking about the one soda a day drinker, I'm talking about the 2 liter a day I don't drink anything else to hydrate myself, soda drinkers. And smoking....fuggedaboutit.  Respect your body. Everything in moderation. I can't say it enough. Oh, and wear sunscreen. 

4. Don't judge. Just don't. It's not your business how someone else is living their life. For example: if you want to smoke, fine. I'm not going to judge you, I just don't agree with it. If you don't agree with homosexuality, fine, whatever, but it's not hurting you in any way. I don't care if it says blatantly in the bible that it's wrong. You're not God, so shut your fucking mouth, learn to be "christianly" and love all. Don't even get me started on religion. I'd probably lose a lot of Facebook friends because they would judge me. If you don't like tattoos, that's a-OK. We didn't get them for you to like. But having tattoos does not make you a hood-rat, a bad parent, a thief, a thug or any other stereotype you may have about it. Basically, if someone isn't like you, it's OK. The world is going to be OK, so calm down and keep your opinions and judgmental eyes to yourself. You not liking me isn't doing anything to me, it's just irritating you and giving me something to laugh about.

5. Learn to say no. This one has come very hard to me. Again, therapy. I'm still working on it. I think that a lot of women are pleasers.  We want everyone to like us, we want to make everyone happy and we can do everything all at once. Give us some coffee, a good pair of shoes and 3 hours sleep and we've got it! Stop it. Just stop it. Your life is more important than that. Once I stopped caring if everyone liked me, I became a completely different person. I became the true me. You don't HAVE to do everything that someone asks you to do. If you don't want to come to my Tupperware party (is that even a thing anymore?) then just tell me no. "April, that's the only night I have this week to sit around in my underwear, drink a bottle of wine and watch the X-Files, so I'm not coming." I totally get that. I'd rather someone be straight up with me. I think most people would prefer that. If someone gets their little feelings hurt because you told them no, then they are not a good friend. They'll get over it and if they don't, so what? Do you need people in your life like that? Do you want high maintenance friends? Ain't nobody got time for that. I seriously have the best friends on the planet. I can go 4 months without seeing Christina and we both just get it. Because life, people. Be understanding. Aren't we all just doing the best that we can? My bff Marisa's motto: "I do what I want." Learn it. Live it. Love it.

6. I'll leave you with this because I'm getting kind of winded here. If you don't like something in your life, for the love of all that is holy (like donuts) CHANGE IT. It is up to YOU to make changes in YOUR life. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Need to lose weight? Get off the x-box, go for a walk and stop drinking soda. In an unhappy marriage? Take the steps to fix it or move on with your life for your happiness. Don't like your job? Look for another one, go back to school and start something new, talk to your boss, do what you have to do to change it. If you really want something, you'll find a way, not an excuse. I don't know who said that and I'm too lazy to look it up so consider this my citation. In this life you are responsible for you. Everyone else is looking out for themselves. Shouldn't you be doing the same?

I have a mental list of other things, but I don't want to lose you here because the blog is too long. I'll just come back for more later. So, TTFN, LYLAS, BFF's 4EVA, yada yada yada.

Kronk out.