Oh, But You Can't, You Won't and You Don't Stop...

Mike D, come and rock the sure shot.

So, I'm listening to Beastie Boys today. I thought maybe you might need a song to be stuck in your head. You're welcome.

Popcorn. Popcorn everywhere. And so the food dreams begin.

I had a dream that I ate my weight I popcorn and I felt so guilty for doing it now, 14 full days of Whole30! But if delicious buttery popcorn was wrong, I sure didn't wanna be right.

Yes, those are my rainbow brite pajama bottoms. Stop your judging.

Just a quickie today, guys...

Today is day 15. I'm down 5 1/2 pounds. Of course, it fluctuates a pound or so each day, but I don't stress much about it. I took some progress pics. The top is day 1, middle is day 7, and bottom is today, day 15. Obviously, I don't have jeans pushing up on me in today's, so it is a little different, but the composition of my body is much different already, as you can see. I feel so much better. Less swollen. I'm also sleeping TONS better now, without pill assistance. So, that's good. My resolve is strong, too. I resisted some serious peer pressure for wine on Saturday night...*cough* Kaylea, bad influence *cough*. I think I've decided to have no booze until Costa Rica. I'm on a roll, kids! 

I start back up with classes tomorrow...technically. I've already started my internship and I have an assignment posted, so I've really already started. That means that blogs will be sporadic now since my writing will go towards my scholarly goals. Ugh. I much prefer to write here in more of a conversational and relaxed style without giving many shits about proofing and comas and such, versus scholarly writing. Dumb. The bad news is that I'll be taking my Senior Seminar this semester along with my internship and two other classes.  My Senior Seminar is my thesis paper, so that's gonna be swell. I'll be working in the mornings and I've started training for a half marathon as well. Needless to say, this semester is going to be minimal April sightings. So, if I don't text you back or answer my phone don't take it personally. I'm now back in the mode of setting reminders for stuff like, "brush my teeth", "put on deodorant", "time to eat lunch", etc. You get the idea. The good news....I graduate in May instead of December!

That is all for now. I have to get back to the grind.

Secret Lovers. THAT'S What We Are.

Pretty much how I look doing thrusters.

Oh, "Fran". You are SUCH a bitch. I hate you and love you all at the the same time.  My emotions are so conflicted. I can't even tell you the last time I did her (that's what he said) and it really showed. "Fran" is 21-15-9, thrusters and pull-ups, for time, and 65# is prescribed weight for females. I did 45 pounds, part banded pull ups, but mostly jumping pull-ups. There is nothing more humbling than knowing that you used to do RX "Fran"...and want to die, of course...but RX nonetheless...and now having to swallow your pride and do the bar for thrusters and jumping pull-ups. That's ok. Keepin' it real. Real out of shape, kids...real out of shape.

Jen, however, had her first experience with "Fran" and she did great! She probably hates me today, but she'll come back for more. I really liked her hashtag she used yesterday, #iwillnotbeafattyatforty. Samsies, Jen...samsies. Besides, I go to Costa Rica in T minus 38 days. What does that even mean...T minus whatever? I would prefer to not have to hide behind my moo moo swimsuit and dresses while I'm there. Then in March, we have spring break with the kids in Florida and THEN...my 40th is in April. I must stay strong in my quest to get my fit self back by 40. Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin', into the future. 

What is going on with this yoga business. I find myself really looking forward to it. I actually hurt my back really bad doing yoga once. The instructor even told me that she had never heard of anyone doing what I did. Of course. Leave it to me. We have always had a tumultuous relationship, yoga and I. Now, secret lovers? That's what we are? Trying so hard to hide the way we feel 'cause we both belong to someone else. But, we can't let it go, 'cause what we feel is oh so real, so real, so real. (The student in me wonders if I need to cite that. Footnote maybe?) Well, whatever. I'm gonna get weird with it. 

So, here I am at day 10. For those of you not familiar, here is what day's 8-9 are supposed to be like. Pretty much spot on this time around for me (from http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/) :  

Day 8-9: For the love of Gosling, my pants are TIGHTER.
You’ve made it through the Hangover, and managed not to kill ALL the things, and you’re starting to feel like things are back on level ground again. Then, you put on your pants. They’re just pants, completely normal pants. In fact, they’re the pants you wore just three days ago. (You were too tired to wash them. It’s okay, we understand.) And three days ago, they fit. But this morning you had to take a big deep breath to get that button where it ought to be. What gives?!

The same processes that ran over you like a truck a few days ago are still working their magic in your body. Your body composition is not actually changing for the worse, we assure you. The enzymes that digest your food and the millions of bacteria that live in your gut are adjusting to your new intake of meat and vegetables, and the lack of easy-access sugars. This is something they do naturally, and these adjustments have contributed to humanity’s ability to flourish throughout our history. However, these adjustments can be a bit… uncomfortable. Bloating, constipation, diarrhea, or all three may appear as your gut starts to heal, rebalance, and process this new food effectively. The good news is that most people find this phase passes relatively quickly, and their pants are easy to button again within a week or so.
- See more at: http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/#sthash.3mJCElVD.dpuf

This is pretty much what I have to look forward to for days 10 and 11. Although, I don't expect it to be this bad this time around. However, I DO have family staying with me for these days...that could make it tough to resist going out to eat and have a cocktail or four. We shall see, I suppose:

Days 10-11: The Hardest Days.
Fact: you are most likely to quit your Whole30 program on Day 10 or 11. By this point, the newness of the program has worn off. You’ve made it through most of the unpleasant physical milestones, but you’ve yet to experience any of the “magic” the program promises. You’re still struggling to establish your new routine (read: you’ve eaten eggs prepared ten different ways over the last ten days), and while you’ve been trying really hard to have a good attitude, today you are incredibly aware of all the foods you’re “choosing not to eat right now.” Everywhere you look, you see the things you “can’t” have: the melted cheese on a greasy burger, the creaminess of that double-scoop cone, the cold beer in your best friend’s tailgate cooler. Dammit, this is hard! And right now you’re wondering if the results will really be as good as “they” all say it is.

You’re cranky, you’re impatient, and you’re really, really tempted to just eat the stupid cheese.
- See more at: http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/#sthash.3mJCElVD.dpuf

I'm really ready for the "Tiger Blood" days..I wanna be "winning!"...and I want my jeans to fit me again.

P.S. I just got my syllabus for my next class, and I find out today what my assignments for my internship will be. Probably not the best of days to lay all of that information down on me. I'm not picking up what they are throwing down. I'm not. I don't want to. Okay, yes I am, but I don't like it. Now. Now I miss the wine.

P.P.S. Things I don't understand:
People that continuously have their brakes on in traffic. Um....are you even using the gas pedal? Maybe you should stop riding the person in front of you? And...women who have lipstick on their teeth. How? How do you do that? Are you eating it?

Drinkers Remorse.

I did yoga again last night....and I liked it. Egads! What the? How the? I am so ashamed.  No, I'm not. I'm not. I did the 15 minute Daily Burn one that's been promoted like crazy on Hulu. After I was done I watched 30 minutes more of Daily Burn dancing and "Inferno", and boy was I pooped.

I seem to still be suffering from the grump. I'm not sure what's going on there, I mean, I've been wearing my one and only pair of jeans that still fit. Every. Single. Day. I've also still been getting headaches. I'm dying. I know it. I'm dying from lack of sugar. Is that a thing? I've also been nauseous the past couple of days and nothing sounds delicious. Yesterday I had to make myself eat. I only got hungry once. That usually happens to me a couple times during my Whole30 though, so I'm not concerned.

I broke last night. I took a Tylenol P.M. I am so worthless if I don't sleep well for several days in a row. I am not one of those people that can function on 6 hours a night. Dane makes me go to bed so that I get at least 7 hours. I'm pretty sure he wants to slit my throat when I'm bumping along on less sleep than that. I get really really bitchy. He can function on 4 hours, but only for so many days. I wish I could do that. But, alas, I love sleep. Sleeping is my favorite.

I have to say, there hasn't been one thing that I REALLY crave or miss. To be honest, not even wine. I find it very refreshing to take a break from drinking. I suffer from what I like to call, drinkers remorse. Similar to shoppers remorse, only you can't return all of the stupid shit that you remember that you said the night before at about 1 1/2 bottles of wine in. Yes, I judge my amount of wine I drink by the bottle, not the glass. Maybe, just maybe, that's my problem. Maybe if I stuck to 3 glasses of wine I wouldn't wake with that pit in my stomach when I remember my behavior. Also, maybe I wouldn't wake with headache. Also, also, maybe I wouldn't be 20 pounds overweight. Christ. Hi. My name is April, and I'm an alcoholic. That's not true. I'm not. If I were, I'd really be missing it right now and I'm not AT ALL. However, I have been know to have the detox thing going on a couple of times . Having the shakes and freezing my ass off while sweating profusely...on a Wednesday... is never a good sign. Okay, okay, maybe I have alcoholic tendencies. Whatever! Your moms an alcoholic.

I'm working out with Jen again today. I think I will introduce her to "Fran", because I'm an asshole like that. She'll thank me later when her ass is rockin' in her swimsuit this summer. Actually, I'm sure she'll never thank me for making her do thrusters. That'd be silly. Also, my butt still hurts from Saturday's workout with Holly. We did 15 minute AMRAP of 15 kettlebell swings, 15 kettlebell sumo deadlift high pulls, 15 goblet squats. I can finally walk normal, but my ass still really hurts.

So, Whole30 day 9 in the works. So far, so good. I'll continue to wear my non mushroom topping jeans or leggings for now, and I'll keep on keepin' on.

Don't you (Forget About Me)!

Guys, apologies! I was so busy this weekend. Since the stepmonkeys are gone I had to tend to the house. (I imagine myself with a toothpick hanging from my mouth, wearing overalls, and leaning on my rake. Like I'm saying "tend the farm" *takes toothpick out and spits. Puts toothpick back in.*) We kind of let it go and opted for lots of pajama movie days and living like pigs instead of keeping the house clean. I blame Christmas. And cake. And tryptophan. Just kidding, WebMD says that tryptophan making you sleepy is a bunch of bull hockey. So, it was obviously the cake.

I weighed Friday. After 5 days I was down 3 pounds. I'll take that. I weighed again this morning to start the week off. Same. I'll take that too. No gain is good news and I'll take it. Friday I even resisted free sushi, cake, and the opportunity to drink wine with friends. WINE. I miss you, you delicious calorie ridden bringer of fun. I had soda water. But, I had had lemons and limes so it was basically the same as having wine? (say like, "I'm Ron Burgundy?"... "Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the teleprompter?"...I digress...)

I don't expect anything major as far as weight loss this week. The second week for me is usually a gaining week. That's always fun to see the number go up on the scale. I'm going to take my first set of progress pictures tonight. The Whole30 that did that I posted pictures of the other day, I really didn't lose all that much weight, my body composition just changed up. Like I said, I don't put much stock into weight. Although I do need to lose some, I only want to get back to 150 and that will come with time. I don't believe in miracle pills etc. A good diet and exercise is the only way to do it.

So, I felt really good, and full of energy all weekend. Which is fantastic, because lately I've had NO energy at all. It never ceases to amaze me how food affects my body. I haven't been sleeping that great though. Part of it is probably because we just switched mattresses and I'm still getting used to it. I really don't want to depend on that beautiful little bringer of sleep, Tylenol P.M. I'm holding out. It will come. (That's what she said.)

Enough about that. Time for randomness.

I always find it amusing to hear a song and I immediately correlate it with a movie. Like, that song will now forever be tied to that movie. Here are a few of the ones I love. I'd like to know the ones that you like so we can giggle and quote movies all day on my Facebook feed, so please share!

Styx never intended Renegade to forever remind people of Billy Madison spinning a keg over his head.

Dust in the Wind? Fuggedaboutit. Who doesn't think of Will Ferrell singing at Blue's funeral?! "YOU'RE MY BOY, BLUE! You're my boy." Another one from Old School, Master of Puppets. "You tell anyone about this I'll fucking kill you! I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We'll have him back by tonight."

Bohemian Rhapsody. I better not even have to say which movie on that one. If I have to tell you, we cannot be friends.

Take My Breath Away. Uh...hello??? Take MY breath away, Top Gun Tom Cruise!

I really hope you can see these videos I'm including.

Maniac is kind of a twofer...I immediately want to put on my sexy cut sweatshirt and leg warmers (yes, I do have both) and practice my dance moves that are going to get me into ballet school. As a matter of fact, every time that song comes on, I do the Flashdance dance. No joke. I can't help myself. I can do the head flippy thing, but I get really dizzy so it makes for some good unintended physical comedy. If only my ass looked like Jennifer Beals. It also makes me think of Chris Farley in Tommy Boy.

Simple Minds, Don't You (Forget About Me). Come. On. The best.
"Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, But we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is 

a brain,
and an athlete,
and a basketcase,
a princess,
and a criminal.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club."

*Thrusts fist in the air with enthusiasm!*

________________________________________________________________________________

Rocky....Road?

I was such a sloth yesterday. And boy was a I serious grump. Dane was heytelling me, and anyone who knows him knows he doesn't talk slow, but for some reason, yesterday he was. In my head he was anyway. I wanted to scream back into my phone, "FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING SO SLOWLY?!" I don't know why it even mattered except my nerves were short and I just didn't have time for slow heytells, of course. I mean, I was sitting at work typing up my blog. Duh. Then, he said, "we should do yoga when you get home." Bless his little yoga loving heart. I know he's trying to be supportive, and what I said was, "okay, but you know we have to do a beginner video because I fucking hate yoga." My real reaction was a body message mixture of a sloth, and a 6 year old not getting his way. The sound I made was more like a whining wookie yell. But, I went home and we did yoga, and I did not die. Then I worked out with my friend Jen. I did my first WOD in...I don't even know how long. It really felt good. I needed that because I feel like today I have a fresh outlook and more motivation. Thanks, Jen! Thanks for the accountability!

A couple of other things that happened, my forehead is all kinds of broke out. It's like I'm a hormone charged, teenager. My body is like, "GET IT ALL OUT"! Then I woke up at about 5:00 a.m. today with a brutal headache. Well, goes with the territory. The good thing is that regardless of what I've said, I really haven't had any urge to stray off the Whole30. I do feel better already. I have also noticed that my mood is directly correlated to the pants I'm wearing. I'm wearing my fleece lined leggings today instead of jeans. It's like the difference between regular jeans and maternity jeans. I'm getting blood flow to my brain, so I'm happier. That's good for everyone in my life. Also, do you ever have one of those days where the right song just happens to always be playing? Like, you have a real life soundtrack going on? That totally happened to me all day today. That's always a good time. 

Side note: I totally bawl every time I watch The Biggest Loser. No shit. Like flowing non-stop tears. I'm always so inspired by these people, and I'm just SO happy for them! It's a show that just genuinely makes you feel good. 

Ok, here go the pictures I've been dreading putting up. But, lets face the facts, friends. Aren't we all full of flaws? None of us are shear perfection and if you think you are then you're just a dick. We are all just trying to get through life the best that we can, and if we can't laugh at ourselves along the way then we are ALL just dicks. 

Back in 2013 Dane went on his "vacation deployment", as we like to refer to it. He basically went on a humanitarian mission and was sailing the South Pacific all summer. He got to see some amazing places that the majority of us will never have the opportunity to see. He totally got to see some islands that were occupied during WWII...now...if that's not cool as shit, then I don't what is. Anyway....

Right when he left I had just left my job to go back to school full time. I had all summer until I started classes so, needless to say, I had a lot of time on my hands. The bottom left hand picture is what I looked like when he left. I decided to straighten my shit up and get after it. So, one Whole30 and 2 months of dedication to working out later, the bottom right hand corner is where I ended up. I stayed there for awhile, but after he came home it was a little more difficult. He makes me drink more! I swear, he holds me down and pours the wine in my mouth. I don't want it. Fine, I do. Shut up. I have been on a slow and steady decline since. Top picture is now and those are the jeans that used to swallow me. By swallow, I mean I rarely wore them because they were so big I was pulling them up constantly. Now, they are known as...mushroom top jeans. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm a total yoyo'er. Always have been. 

Ok, that's it for today. I'm tired. I'm not feeling it anymore. So, here's a cute little owl. Enjoy.

Danger, Will Robinson!

I hate when I think of 25 different opening paragraphs when I'm running around the house doing shit, and then I sit down to write and I can't remember one of them. I'm not a writer, kids. How do actual writers combat this because I've come up with some funny shit and thought, "I HAVE to remember that", and then I forget. OR, right as I'm going to sleep I solve world hunger or something (more like I realize the best way to organize my towel closet), but then I doze off and I forget. Because, of course, solving world hunger isn't an idea worth giving up precious sleep time to get up and write down, right? I'm sleeping for Christ's sake and this girl right here, yeah, she NEEDS to get minimum of 7 hours or everyone is at risk.

Really, day three was a breeze. I hit a wall at about 7:00 p.m., so I finally called it a day and vegged out. I did, however, make some mashed potatoes to go with dinner. I can't express to you enough how pumped I am that white potatoes are now approved for Whole30. This is life changing news. Instead of milk and butter, I use my homemade chicken stock and clarified butter or ghee. They are so good. I have to portion size them out because I could easily eat those 4 potatoes in one sitting....I can eat kids, remember?

So far I'm not ready to "kill all the things" today. It IS only 8:19 a.m. though, and I haven't had to converse with anyone but my dog, whom I like more than I like most people, so give me a few hours. I did put on a shirt this morning that used to fit me perfectly....not so much. I look like I could be on one of those "people of Walmart" sites. If I wore the shirt alone, without a cover, people would be trying to secretly snap photos of me so they could post me and be like, "oh, poor little fat girl has a skinny mirror." So naturally, I took a picture for you. Oh, I'm still wearing it today. Have no fear. But I covered that shit up with a vest. Here's your first "Fat Kid Tips From Herman": If you have something that doesn't fit well anymore, just cover that shit up with baggie layers. If you're mushroom topping, which I am today because if you'll remember, all of my jeans are too small now, you can just cover up the waste line with a long baggie shirt or....a vest. I love vests. So, for your viewing pleasure, and a free giggle at my expense (don't feel bad...I laughed really hard too):

You're welcome. Black is such a wonderful color. I have a serious spare tire issue happening here. (Here's some information on belly fat and why it's dangerous: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/womens-health/in-depth/belly-fat/art-20045809?pg=1 ) When I lay really flat and then it all spreads out evenly.....that's when I feel most sexy (please say in a Kathleen Turner voice with extreme sarcasm)...I wonder if that's how a beached whale feels? Sexy beached whale all spread out on the beach and sucking in its stomach as much as the poor little bastard can. That's how I feel a lot. 

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. 

It's now 10:25 a.m. and I kind of am ready to kill all the things. Partly because, again, my pants are too tight, therefore, they are squeezing me to death, I can't stop sneezing and sniffing and kind of feel like ass, I just found out that we bought a salvage wheel for my car that we don't need but were told we did, and a new tire is actually what I need. I'm pretty much not impressed with anyone today. 

I'm not feeling very witty today either, because I hate everyone right now. So instead of forcing wit I have compiled a list of things that maybe you should know about me...my obsessions, if you will. I'm also interested in which of these things you agree with me on and what your obsessions are. I can always use a new obsession. Should I say obsession one more time? Obsession. 

1. Serial killers. I am so infatuated with serial killers. When there is any story about anyone who has done something like, kept a girl in the basement for 10 years and she escaped, or whatever...I'm gonna find it in the news and I'm gonna follow it like a buzzard waiting for its potential food to die. I used to be addicted to this site. http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/index.html I would sit and read it for HOURS. I am in awe of people that can do these things to other human beings. It's morbid, it's weird, it's wrong, I love it. 

2. The Beatles. I have an unhealthy love for the Beatles. Like, you can't even express your opinion about them if you don't 100% agree with me because I'm going to defend them like it's my job. Dane once said John Lennon's song Imagine was just okay, and he was just an okay song writer. EEERRRKK...back up. Now, I don't know if he was just fucking with me, but I almost filed for divorce. THAT'S how serious this shit is. (Ok, I wouldn't really divorce him, but it actually did make me REALLY angry.)

3. I have a new obsession with Amy Poehler. I think she is hilarious and awesome. You should read her new book Yes, Please. Actually, listen to the audiobook. She reads it and she is hilarious. I love her. I want to be her. I probably need a restraining order.

4. Scary roadside motels. No joke. I want to stay in the scariest, darkest, creepiest Bates Motel's I can find. I LOVE THEM. There is one that is right outside Montgomery, AL that I'm dying to stay in. It's called Relax Inn and you can't even find it on the all knowing internet. I'm telling you...it's where serial killers hide out, and I will some day stay there and wave at them as they look through the peep they have drilled in the wall. 

5. People watching. I love people watching. It's like watching a damn train wreck. I am amazed...every single day...at some of the people in our world. There are so many of the people that I observe that I think to myself, "self, how does this person make it through the day and not die." Now, I'm no genius myself, but I can't help but wonder, what is making people less intelligent? I have theory's but I won't get into that because it'll just start a war and sound super asshole-ish, and honestly, today you won't win...I will kill you. Unless you give me a doughnut to quiet Herman. Then we can agree to disagree. 

6. This sounds super corny, but...laughing with my best friend. This is one of my best friends in the entire world: 

She is smart, funny, and hot. Which, as you know, are all requirement to be my friend. She makes me laugh like no other person on this planet. No shit. Like, my stomach hurts, uncontrollable snorting, crying, and I just CANNOT stop type of laughter. And typically, it's over something so incredibly stupid but she says it or does it in just the right way. If I don't get to see her or laugh like that with her for an extended period of time, I turn into a megabitch. Dane will even call her and tell her that I need her, stat. For real. Don't get taken by a serial killer, Marisa. If you died I could not go on. That would be so selfish of you. 

So, that's just a few things. Lets recap. Day three. Meh, no issues, really. Day four. Kill everyone and give me a fucking doughnut. 

Also, I really am interested in your obsessions so please please me oh yeah, by sharing! (see what I did there? Some of you will.)

Bras. The Struggle Is Real.

Let me begin day three of my Whole30 by putting this disclaimer: I began writing this on day two. Let's recap day two: I was mushroom topping over my jeans that were formerly known as my "fat jeans", I had a headache because of it, and I was grumpy. That brings me to 4:23pm and I'm already in my ever so loving and ever so shrinking sweat pants, I still have a splitting headache and feel like a tick that is ready to pop from sucking so much delicious blood. Now, I know that the guys won't get this but you ladies will so understand. Bras. They are already so constricting and forceful, but take it from me.....when you start outgrowing one it's a God damned nightmare. After my daily struggle to get my arms behind me, I undid my bra and the pressure in my head that felt like a pimple ready to bust was immediately released. FML I'm going to be in sweats, camis (gotta support the boobs), and sweatshirts for the duration of this Whole30. 

Another update: it's now time for bed and I'm starving. My body hates me as much as I hate it right now. I chalk up the hunger to the fact that I did not drink enough water today. That and my inner fat boy alter ego....let's call him Herman from now on....is saying, "eat something, bitch. You ARE hungry. Let's be fat and happy." No, Herman. No. I WILL put my arms all the way down again. Herman, you're loving me to death....like the over loving dog owner that feeds his dog too much table food and eventually the dog gets diabetes...AND DIES. Eat a salad and hop on a treadmill, Herman.

End of day two..........is this KILL ALL THINGS DAY, ROBIN?!?! Because it feels like kill all things day. I want to kill all things.

Today. Day three.

Yoga is hard. I did some yoga in my living room last night. Obviously, I need it (see above daily bra struggle). I would much rather clean and jerk or dead-lift all day long than do yoga. I am not, what you might call, graceful. Nevertheless, I need it. So, I did it in the living room. (That's what she said) I am not into that relax and breathe shit. I mean, I can't make it through a day without saying "that's what she said" at least 25 times. I have ADD.  I know my lungs work, I know my blood is flowing through my veins and oxygen is coming in my body...blah blah blah. I don't want to focus on it. I have a brain that is going 125 mph and I need to think, plan, and scheme...always. I'm alive aren't I? Body is working. I need to be able to hit pause, jump out of downward dog and get the casserole out of the oven when the timer beeps... and probably switch out the laundry. It's real life, people. I envy those of you that can time out life and just be like, "Fuck you, life. This hour is for me and me alone. I'm gonna focus on my abdominal breathing and start feeling the blood flowing in me. Fuck chores, they'll be there tomorrow." As I have learned from my newly appointed (she has no idea, obviously) life coach, Amy Poehler....good for you, not for me. Yoga is awesome. Yoga is fucking hard. Fuck you, life.

Well, I weighed. I reluctantly got on the scale and I weighed in at 170 pounds. I "weighed in"...I want to think it's like a pro athlete weighing in for a big match or something. It makes me feel better about life and my weight gain. I digress. Guys, my 8 foot tall husband weighs 180. Is this rock bottom? Normally you are not to weigh yourself during a Whole30. This is not my first rodeo, kids. I know what the Whole30 is all about and what to expect from it. When you've done three of them....we'll talk. Until then, don't judge me and don't weigh during a Whole30. Do as I say, not as I do. 

For those of you not familiar with Whole30...here is a timeline of what is typical to experience as your body detoxes itself. I usually experience every single thing on the timeline with extreme fervor. Go big or go home, I always say. No I don't. I don't ever say that. I'm way too lazy to have a philosophy.  http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/

And from time to time I may refer to "Robin". This is Robin: http://whole30.com/about/ . She is one of my favorite people on the planet and she is part of the Whole9, aka Whole30 team. She has, until recently, lived in Springfield, MO. Lucky us! Not only is she like, THE smartest person I know, she's hilarious...like really really hilarious...and super hot to boot. Anyone who knows me knows I love surrounding myself with uber smart and uber hot people because, let's face it, it just makes me look better and people think, "Huh. She must be pretty funny/smart/AWESOME to have friends like that." Robin living here and being my friend is a big deal, people. She is a big deal. For real. I text her my complaints almost every day and I suckered her into being my mentor on this Whole30. Our texts usually go down something like this (her family is currently do a Whole30 as well and this is pre Whole30):

     

     Robin: *say's something witty and hilarious but I didn't get her permission to quote her sooo..*
     Me: I'm so glad I'm not alone. When I sit down my boobs sit on my stomach. I get sweaty and
            have to tuck my shirt in between. It's disgusting.

This is the stuff that she has to put up with because she's my friend. My self-deprecating and disgusting texts. She loves me. I know it. And I love her. Honestly, who doesn't want to hear about my boob sweat? Pfftt

Also, I looked in the mirror a little bit ago while in the bathroom...my new favorite room since I'm back on the kombucha....and I had another Ally McBeal moment when my wattle appeared. This is bad news bears. Some of you may understand that....some of you may think some really disgusting thoughts.I should not have a wattle. I'm not 102 nor am I any kind of poultry. Side note: if you have never watched Alley McBeal, you should

Alright. Day 2 in the books. Grumpy, hungry, fat clothes headache and something about mushrooms.

Day 3, so far...it's early...I feel pretty decent. I have a little cold and the wattle is ever present but hopefully that subsides. The wattle, I mean. A cold I can deal with. It's way too cold today to do a garage workout or to run, so I'm thinking I'm going to do a little indoor WOD. Nothing major...I'm still getting back in the game! WEIGHING IN AT 170 POUNDS....uuuugggghhhhh (please say in your best Michael Buffer voice..sans the ugh.)
4 - 5 rounds, 10 lunges, 10 push-ups, 10 Squats, 10 sit ups, 10 jumping jacks. I'm a fair weather worker outer.

Peace.

P.S. (Yesterday thought)

Something else that hit me today as I ventured back to the Facebook world while feeling super irritable and wanting badly to buy a dozen glazed doughnuts from Krispy Kreme....some people just don't get when I'm joking. There is always that one person that just completely ruins a post because everyone else "gets it" but that one person doesn't and comments something SO STUPID. Everyone ignores that one person and pretty much feels sorry for them. This isn't just on my posts. This shit is all over Facebook. Please don't be that person. My friends are smarter than that, remember? For the record, people...the majority of the things that I say here, and in person, are complete bullshit and are meant to be sarcastic and humorous and self-deprecating.

Ok, now I'm done.